How Many Days Till Juan-uary?

I was recently told by a co-worker that Juan-uary is upon us! I would love it if we could just skip the Christmas season and jump right into the thick of the new season of the Bachelor, you know? It's going to be that good. I'm sure you've heard, but ABC has kindly posted the bios of the 25 lucky senoritas that get to compete. And no, surprisingly, ABC is not paying me for the many Juan Pablo-themed posts I am sure to write between now and the Most Dramatic Rose Ceremony Ever. Though if you want to, ABC, please get in touch with my agent. Gracias.

Anyway, in order to get you pumped up, I would like to share with you Juan-Go, the patented game that I have developed which will allow you to pick a favorite bachelorette and then beat all of your friends in friendly competition from week to week. De nada.

The Rules:

1.  Print off your Juan-Go card from my website. It took me approximately 4 hours to develop this card, figure out how to save it as an image, and upload it to zee blog. So unfortunately, you get this freebie but you'll have to develop the rest of your cards yourself.

Please note that instead of a free space, there is a "Not Here for the Right Reasons" space. I think it's pretty much the same thing.

2.  Select your favorite contestant. See the link above for more information. I suggest you study the bios, which are hilarious.

3. Press play on the DVR. Each time your bachelorette does one of the things on the card, draw a heart on that square and/or take a long swig of wine or your other alcoholic beverage of choice. If you are pregnant, you may think you need to skip this step, but I've heard that binge drinking is okay for babies,* so go ahead and play.

*Technically, I haven't heard this from a reputable source. Expectant mothers and DDs may want to substitute sparkling grape juice.

4. Whoever gets a Juan-Go first wins and/or is feeling pretty good from all of the drinking. Congrats!

So now, you're probably wondering how to go about picking your contestant of choice. Well, don't worry, because I have a couple of suggestions for you! I have studied all of the girls' bios and my patented Juan-Go cards, and I have a few suggestions:

1.  Amy L

Picking Amy L pretty much guarantees you a Juan-Go. Amy hails from Florida, says that her favorite television show is Modern Family, looks like Gloria from that show, and has not one, but two ragdoll cats, whatever those are. As long as they're cats, I don't really care. Her favorite author, she says, is Dr. Seuss. Based on this, I predict that Amy either speaks Spanish or thinks she speaks Spanish. It is likely that she will have cat hair on her dress due to all the cats she keeps at her house, and she'll probably have written a Dr. Seuss-inspired poem to win Juan Pablo over. Check the Juan-Go card. You're guaranteed victory.

2. Lucy

Lucy is also going to be a solid contestant this year. Lucy claims that her occupation is "free spirit." That is awesome work if you can get it. I am not sure how well it pays, though. She also says she admires her "best friend Kate Upton" for her thick skin. I wonder if she's "best friends" with Kate Upton like I am with Kate Middleton? (In other words, in real life). She also says "I like to be the center of attention because I deserve to be." She is going to be awesome, and I predict a Juan-Go straight across the middle of the board.

3.  Victoria

And my final pick is Victoria, the legal assistant from Brazil. This seems extremely unfair to me to let a native Spanish speaker compete against all these poor English speakers. It's kind of like when one of my fellow Spanish majors in college was a native Spanish speaker. But I predict Victoria will go far solely because of her answer to the question, "What is the most romantic gift you have ever received, and why?" was "A kitten, because I love cats." Fellow cat lady, I am on your team!

Anyway, please feel free to contact me with your questions about how to play Juan-Go. Or you could contact Lucy, since she says that the most outrageous thing she's ever done is to organize a fully nude 50 person beach party in Mexico. Sounds like she has some serious organizational skillz.