HOW TOesday: Use the Find My Phone App to its Fullest Potential

Welcome back, everyone, to HOW TOesday. What's that? You thought I would forget that I had started a Regular Column and not post this week? Worry not. I have decided to give up my free time and any semblance of a social life to bring you another educational installment. 

I must admit, though, that I almost passed this week up. Not out of laziness, but because I didn't do one fun or creative thing this entire week. I guess I could have written "HOW TOesday: Wash Every Item of Clothing in Your House Because Otherwise You and Your Husband Will be Wearing College T-Shirts and Gym Shorts to Work Next Week" (just kidding - those were dirty too) or "HOW TOesday: Fill Up Your Husband's Entire Extended Cab With Boxes of Dusty Junk From Your Basement to Take to Goodwill So You Can Actually Reach the Water Heater," but somehow I just didn't think that would get the tons of readers my posts usually attract.

So, here we are at HOW TOesday: Use the Find My Phone App to its Fullest Potential. Without further ado, here it is:

It was Friday night, and we had just gotten home from Drake's, Evan's and my favorite restaurant because it serves both sushi and cheeseburgers. (Guess which is my favorite food and which is Evan's?)  On my way to my bedroom to put on my sweatpants and prepare for a marathon evening of TV watching and eating Thin Mints from the deep freeze, I reached for my phone so I could check Facebook while I changed clothes. 

… Which brings us to Step 1: Try not to be jealous of the wild and crazy lives of your favorite instructional bloggers. Hard, I know.

But, HORROR OF ALL HORRORS! I could not find my phone! It was nowhere to be found. Naturally, I started to freak out. All my contacts! My original download of the now-discontinued Flappy Bird! My Notes section which stores every single password I've ever used! (I know, I know.)

Step 2: Be sure that you've already installed the Find My Phone app on your iPad. 

Don't worry, I had. So I opened that mo fo up and hit "locate." My heart stopped three times while it was locating. Finally, a result: across a major street from Drake's, in what appeared to be a neighborhood! Immediately I was furious. 

"[EDITED]!! My phone's been stolen!!!!!" 

"Let me see," said the ever-calm Evanshine. He took a look at the iPad. "That's weird that it's right across the street from Drake's. I bet it's still at Drake's." 

I activated LOST mode and entered Evan's phone number as my contact.

Step 3: Remain calm.

"NO WAY, YOU IDIOT, GPS IS EXTREMELY ACCURATE. What century are you living in? You're just jealous your Samsung Whatever doesn't have a find my phone app. It's so obvious, it's pathetic. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO? My phone has been STOLEN! Do you know how much it costs to replace an iPhone without renewing your contract? THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS, EVAN. THOUSANDS. I hope you're getting a promotion soon." Have I mentioned that I've been known to overreact and mis-direct my anger?

"Well," said Evan, "why don't you call Drake's? Just see if they have it?"

"THEY DON'T."

"Or call the police?"

"UGH. I don't want to call the police. Would you call Drake's for me?"

Surprisingly, he agreed. And, as I expected, the hostess at Drake's told him that they did not have my phone.

"I KNEW IT. It's obviously been stolen. Why, random house near Drake's, why did you have to steal my phone????" I checked the iPad again. Still at that same house. I pulled up the map view, figured out the house number, and looked up the criminal on the Property Valuation Administrator's website. See, there are perks to being a real estate attorney! It was owned by someone by the name of Eunice. (Editor's note: I have changed the real criminal's old lady name to Eunice for the purpose of avoiding being sued for slander.) 

"Eunice. WHAT A BITCH!" 

Somehow, I heard Evan's quiet voice over my wails. "Why don't you call the police?"

"Will you call for me?"

"No." [We are getting a divorce. Evan has clearly forgotten our marriage vows.] "Here's my phone." And like a coward, he left the room.

I figured out how to dial Evan's primitive cell phone and dialed the non-emergency police number. The lady who answered was completely unimpressed by my detective skills ("Hi, I'd like to report a stolen phone, but I know where it is from my Find My Phone App.") and told me an officer would call me to take my report. I prepared myself for his call and hit refresh on my iPad. Still at Eunice's house.

After a literal eternity, my phone rang. It was Officer Smith. (Editor's Note: Again, I have changed the name of this poor detective for privacy purposes.) I told him my sad story, and he informed me that, while he was "not old," he wasn't very young either, and was not sure how accurate my app was. Therefore, he could not just go to Eunice's house and ask her to give my phone back because she'd probably hide it anyway. I told him I understood, he apologized for my misfortunes, and told me to try to have a good weekend anyway. 

I scoffed at Officer Smith's obvious ignorance of technology. GPS not accurate, ha! I hit refresh on the iPad and used it to text Courtney about my misfortunes. Do you think I have to report this to work and then they are going to read through all my emails to make sure I haven't released any protected information about clients even if I erase my phone from afar??? I asked. She did not have an answer for me, but told her husband about my troubles. He called Evan and suggested that they go to Eunice's house and get my phone back for me. They were looking Eunice up on Facebook to assess how dangerous she might be (Answer: Not Very) when Evan's phone rang.

It was a security guard from Drake's. He had my phone. Oh. 

4. Recognize that GPS is not always completely accurate.

I called off the militia and had just grabbed my car keys to go get my phone when Evan's phone rang again. This time, it was my boy, Officer Smith.

"Hi, ma'am, it's Officer Smith again. I just wanted to let you know that I called your cell phone and left a mean message. I told them to do the right thing and they will avoid any trouble. So hopefully they'll hear that and just bring it back." 

"Oh, thanks! Actually, I JUST got a call! Someone found my phone!"

I didn't have the heart to tell Officer Smith that that someone was the security guard at Drake's, where I left my phone. Oops. 

"I guess your message worked!"

5. Retrace your steps and find your phone. 

Sigh. So, with my tail between my legs, I went to Drake's and picked up my phone from a very cheerful security guard. I came home to Evan, who only said "I told you so" once or twice, and finally put on my sweatpants and turned on the TV. Don't worry, because I live such a wild and crazy life, it was still only about 9:30 after all of this action went down, so I had plenty of time for several episodes of 19 Kids and Counting before bedtime. Success!

(Editor's Final Note: Mom, if you're reading, don't worry. I wasn't really this mean to Evan, and we aren't really getting a divorce. It's called creative writing, and I majored in it in college and use it every day in my career, if you remember. Love ya!)

HOW TOesday: Birdy-Themed Sip & See

If you haven't been counting along at home, this is my forty-first post. The traditional gift to readers in honor of the forty-first post is to introduce a Regular Column. Well, just call me Ann Landers, because this is HOW TOesday. Punny, I know. This week? A lesson on how to create the most perfect, birdy-themed Sip and See in the history of the world. It's okay for me to brag because I was only a co-host of this marvelous shower, so all the great ideas and decorations came from my co-hosts, and all the mistakes (including forgetting the invitation that we intended to frame at home) came from me. Here we go!

Now, just call me Prissy, because I don't know nothin' bout birthin' no babies. So the first step is to pick friends upon whom you can rely to have some cute ones. Seven ago, I picked out my friend Meghan for this very reason. You may remember Meghan from giving birth to my favorite three-and-a-half-year-old, Hadley. Well, she has been at it again, this time naming the little one …

In this case, Meghan had already birthed her baby, so we threw a "sip and see" where we sipped champagne and saw the baby. I highly recommend this option, because even the mommy got to have some champagne.

Step Two: If you find yourself surrounded by friends giving birth, may I suggest investing in some Martha Stewart paper punching tools. I found the one used to make the above banner at Michael's and used a 50% off coupon, so I truly couldn't afford not to buy it. That's what I told Evan, anyway. I don't think he was listening.

Step Three: Pick a theme and stick to it. We chose to put a bird on it, because birdies are adorable. 

Please note the bird cages and birdies holding up the tassel banner. I'm sure all of our guests immediately recognized the theme for the party. If you want to have a tassel banner without spending enough money on etsy to buy your own baby on the black market, consider this tutorial that I found on Pinterest. I guarantee that the process is both easy and really fun for cats to watch/assist.

Step Four: Whip up some delicious food and drink, but only if everything on the menu is the same color. Try not to stress out too much when the cute paper straws you find do not match the shade of the ribbons you use to tie around the mason jar cups, and when the yellow of the lemonade mix does not precisely match the yellow paper flags you tape on the straws. [Courtney!] Life will probably go on.

photo credit: Anna "Girard" Liebowitz

I really wish I could take credit for these cookies. It blows my mind that Anna's friend made these by hand. Tune in next HOW TOesday to read Anna's guest post on how to find a friend with such skills.

See instructions for this tasty treat below, found on Pinterest in the dreaded photo with no instructions. Keep in mind that Rice Krispie Treats are incredibly lazy when they get to room temperature and will not necessarily stand up straight for the entire party. But they do look cute for a quick photo op.

Please take a moment to appreciate the fact that my co-host Courtney (co-winner of the inaugural Queen's Cup, in case you forgot) was able to function given the varying shades of pink and yellow seen above. We weren't sure that she'd come out alive.

Finally, Step Five: Sip your champagne and see that precious baby!

photo credit: Anna "Girard" Liebowitz

 

These two brides-babies (Babies of my bridesmaids? Is that a thing?) were born three days apart. I like to believe that my wedding inspired their birth. That's Max Jr. on the left and Ava on the right. As you can see by Max trying to play coy, they are already madly in love and all the readers of my blog will be invited to their wedding sometime in 2039. Right, Meghan? It's okay, I think there are only about 5.

Well, now that I write this post and share all these pictures, I am starting to think the point of this post was not, in fact, to teach you how to do anything but to show off these pretty pictures. Thanks for sticking with me. In exchange for your attention, I'd like to share my best tips for Rice Krispies on a Stick:

First, make a DOUBLE BATCH of Rice Krispies. I only made a single batch and ended up with odd-shaped rectangles that did not hold up to sitting on display. You can choose to add a few drops of red food coloring to the marshmallow mix as you heat it up if you'd like to double up on your pink. I was terrified that Courtney would murder me if I brought too many different shades to the party, plus Evan lost all of our food coloring after he insisted on dying our chili con queso green at his family's St. Patrick's Day party, so I restrained myself.

I'm sure you know how to make Rice Krispies, but in case you're like me and your mother would only make the healthy version with peanut butter instead of marshmallows when you were little, here's the quick how-to:

Gather your ingredients/supplies: 

8 T butter

20 oz mini-marshmallows

2 t vanilla

12 C rice krispies

1 package melting candy (I got it at Michael's)

1 package cake ball sticks

1 spool tiny pink ribbon

Heat the butter and marshmallows over low heat in a large saucepan. Keep your phone nearby so you can browse Facebook while the stuff melts, because it takes forever. Remove from heat, add vanilla, and then stir in the cereal. Press into a greased 9x13 baking pan. This will seem very full, but that's a good thing. Also a good thing are straight edges, so if you have some kind of boxy baking pan, use that instead of one with curvy edges. Let your treats cool.

This is where it gets tricky. NOT. (Don't see a lot of "NOT" these days, do you?) Cut the treats into squares - about as wide as the pan is deep. Stick a cake stick into each. Melt the candy, dip each treat in and set it on wax paper to cool. After they're cool, tie a tiny bow on each stick, line them up on a cute platter, and sit back and let people think this process was really hard.

I'll be back next HOW TOesday with tips on something new. Stay tuned.

#tbt: Deep Thoughts

The year was 1992. Bill Clinton had just won the election (more on my eight-year-old feelings on THAT in a later post), I was flirting with the idea of growing out my bangs, I was really into Aladdin and Honey I Blew Up the Kid, and a pound of bacon cost a mere $1.92. (Okay, you got me. This post is not written entirely from my excellent memory, but with an assist from thepeoplehistory.com.) 

I looked a little bit like this –

– but I still had friends because I went to Montessori school.

My very non-hippie parents had just enrolled me and my brother in a Montessori school, which I was cool with because it seemed to involve quite a bit of counting beads on mats on the floor and drawing pictures of things. I came to learn that it also involved a lot of journal writing.

I didn’t know it at the time, but I was an Excellent Journal Writer.  I know this now because, in a fortuitous sequence of events (me going to my childhood bedroom closet and poking around in search of embarrassing items), I have unearthed my 1992 journal! In honor of #tbt, I present you with my top five deep-thought posts from this ancient text.

1. ON DIFFERENT STROKES FOR DIFFERENT FOLKS

"I'm Captain Hook. I have to be careful when I get the sleep out of my eyes…. It's good to have a hook when I'm picking my teeth." Even at this tender young age, I could appreciate how one person's disability might be another person's blessing.

2. ON THE LITTLE THINGS, AND ON CATS

"My favorite things are cats and my dolls and my cousins Claire and Paige." Cats, dolls and wee little cousins are truly all you need in life. At any age.

3. ON CLARITY

"I am trying to persuade you that writing stories is fun." No messing around here. This is a persuasive essay, and I'm letting you know right up front.

4. ON THE MEANING OF LIFE (Nerd Alert)

"Why I'm Living: I'm living so I can grow up and have children. Any how, why should I die? I have a great life! I never get grounded and, hardly ever do I get in trouble. Anyway, it's so fun (my life)!" Deep.

5. ON PRIORITIES

It's not clear from this entry what my priorities were, but journal writing was clearly near the bottom. Just like blogging sometimes isn't today.

And the Cup goes to...

Welcome back to the Queen's Corner. As you might have heard, something terrible happened in Texas last Monday evening, sending the Queen herself into a deep depression in which she simply did not have it in her to hand out the Queen's Cup.

However, time heals all wounds, and I need to get this beautiful Cup out of the tudor house before I become attached to it and have to keep it for myself. (You may have noticed that there was no prohibition in the official Queen's Cup Rules barring me from winning…)

But alas, after spending hours reviewing the many entries into this year's competition, something incredible happened. A dead heat between the top two scorers. A tie! The first ever in the short history of the Cup. So, in an effort at transparency, I will share the top answers to this year's Queen's Questions so that you can understand just how this all shook out.

1. Who is going to win the NCAA Men's Final Four this year, and why?

Both of the top finishers answered correctly: the University of Kentucky! +5 for each.

2. How have you personally helped Kentucky make it to the Final Four?

Top Answer, verbatim: I am fortunate enough to own a pair of leggings which depict a pattern of relaxing felines, colloquially known as my "cat pants." Though they are decidedly on their last legs (threadbare and replete with holes), I have worn them for each and every tournament game. Additionally, I have worn the 2012 National Championship shirt, and my fun blue monogram sweatshirt (which matches the Queen's of course) and a furry blue and white scarf. Today, I am wearing the same shirt that I wore when we won the 2012 championship, but I have the 2012 National Championship shirt in my bag in case it becomes a necessity. I plan to change into my cat pants just before I leave work. 

You may notice that this respondent got bonus points for the cat reference and for mentioning the Queen. All hail me!

3. In what ways is the Bonanza Queen like -- or better than -- Duchess Kate?

Top Answer: The Bonanza Queen is equally as awesome as Kate (because even the BQ would get mad if anyone suggested that someone was better than Kate)!! They are both destined to be royalty and are overall better than everyone else.

This is so very true. An obvious winner.

4. How cute was that picture of the royals and Baby George?

Top Answer: I will admit, I'm not sure exactly which one you mean, because all pictures of them are incredibly cute.  I have attached two that I like.  In the first, labeled "cute", I admire that Kate is wearing a cute bathing suit so as to avoid inappropriate boobage, and I think even Dana would approve of how adorable George is with his strategically placed bubbles.  In the second, I believe that George is thinking, "Why are you not a cat?" 

 

source

This is, of course, the photo that I was referring to. The respondent is correct that Baby George would prefer a cat. And, this respondent got bonus points for bringing to my attention this beautiful gem:

5. Where would you display the Queen's Cup, and how would having it make your life more worth living?

Top Answer: I'm still thinking about the best display option, but right now I'm thinking about a rotating situation where it goes from my house to the office and everywhere in between - such as dinner at Noodles & Company and my constant visits to the emergency vet. Two things that make my life worth living: Molly and the Queen's Cup.

This competitor got bonus points because she has promised, in writing, to display the Cup at our mutual place of work, where it is sure to inspire many questions and conversations about how I am the Queen. This competitor obviously knows that with the Queen, flattery is the best policy.

Honorable Mention: I imagine I would spend many days admiring the Cup filled with a sense of pride and honor.  I would undoubtedly have to quit my job.

Yes, wouldn't we all?

6. Agree or disagree: Marcus Lee (not to put any pressure on you here, but he is the Queen's favorite player) looks dead-on like Doug Funny.

Top Answer: Absolutely I do.  Plus sometimes he is regular Doug, riding the bench, cheering on his teammates.  But sometimes he is Quailman, soaring through the skies to fight crime and snatch incredible rebounds.


This respondent gets this question correct because she pointed out a comparison that even I hadn't noticed. Well done, my friend.

Other points were awarded for watching games with me (2 points per game, with a bonus 3 for being with me for the national championship game), for commenting on my blog, for letting me decide where and when to go to lunch one day, for guest posting on my blog, and for being Mabel's godmother. Tallying the scores was truly a nightmare. But I persevered, and present to you the TWO inaugural winners of the Queen's Cup:

Ms. Courtney "Big Red" Samford, who chose to take 

her victory portrait in a field of big red flowers, 

and 

Ms. Anna "Incognito" Girard, who chose to take her 

victory portrait in a dark, dark room. Too bad I missed

 that free Photoshop class at the public library 

or I could have let you see Ms. Anna's face.

The Official Queen's Cup rules applicable to Co-Cup Winners:

1.  The Cup will first be awarded to the person closest in proximity to the Queen on Tuesday morning, April 15, 2014.

2. The Co-Winners must meet at the stroke of midnight every night throughout their reign to exchange custody of the Cup.

3. Each Co-Winner must keep an accurate, detailed account of the Cup's activities and whereabouts each day in a hand-sewn book made by one of the Co-Winners. This Queen's Ledger must accompany the Cup at all hand-offs and must be made available to the Queen at her request.

4. Each Co-Winner should provide the Queen with frequent photos and narratives written from the perspective of the Cup, to be posted on the Queen's blog in the Queen's sole discretion.

There will likely be more rules added as time goes on, but that's it for now. It's been a great season, y'all, and thank you kindly for your entries. Until next year,

xoxo
the Queen

The Queen's Cup

Behold:

This thing of beauty is, of course, the inaugural Queen's Cup, a coveted trophy awarded just as March Madness draws to a close to one lucky subject of the Bonanza Queen. You've heard about the Cup, but until now, no one outside of the tudor house has laid eyes on this masterpiece.

I say masterpiece because it is. Hand-crafted by the Queen herself, it is plated with real gold spray paint and topped with a slightly broken glass figurine that was found in the basement walls of our house by the guy installing our man cave bar. The true heart of the Cup, of course, is the authentic pom-pom that i have torn apart and stuffed inside the mason jar that makes up this Pin-spired piece's base. I have slaved over this work of art for months, and finally it is time for the unveiling. It pains me to think that it may not sit on my mantle for much longer.

I had intended to award the trophy earlier in the season, but in case you have been living under a rock, my poor Cats finally stepped up and started dominating in the tournament, and miraculously have made it to the Final Four! So I've had quite a bit of cheering and eating cheese dip to do for the last couple of weeks. But now I've turned my attention to where it should have been all season long: the Cup.

Unlike the Bonanza King, I host a tournament that can really be won by anyone even up to the last minute. (Out of the 961 brackets entered in the Bonanza, only five could still win the top prize, which I won't post here but let's just say it's nowhere near the quality of the Cup.) So, if you find yourself at the bottom of the Bonanza standings, there is still hope for you in the Queen's Corner.

So, how does one win this wonderful prize, you ask? It's quite discretionary, actually. No rules and fine print in the Queen's Corner. I have already awarded points to some people for a variety of things, including but not limited to: watching UK games with me, being a true Cats fan, reading my blog regularly, commenting on my blog (AHEM…I think there have been a grand total of 3 comments to my blog, ever. Is there anyone out there?), and giving me compliments and things. Not surprisingly, Mabel is in the lead at the moment. But have no fear, the rest of the competition is based on your answers to the following questions, and Mabel doesn't have a computer so she won't be much competition in this last and most important phase.

So without further ado, I reveal to you the Queen's Questions. Send your answers to these questions to my Queen's email account -- thebonanzaqueen [at] gmail.com -- or by leaving your responses below.

1. Who is going to win the NCAA Men's Final Four this year, and why?

2. How have you personally helped Kentucky make it to the Final Four?

3. In what ways is the Bonanza Queen like -- or better than -- Duchess Kate?

4. How cute was that picture of the royals and Baby George?

5. Where would you display the Queen's Cup, and how would having it make your life more worth living?

6. Agree or disagree: Marcus Lee (not to put any pressure on you here, but he is the Queen's favorite player) looks dead-on like Doug Funny.

Be forewarned that you should get your answers in quickly, because if Kentucky does not advance to the Finals … ohpleaseohpleaseadvancetothefinals … I may lose interest in the Queen's Cup Competition as well as the tournament itself.

It's been quite a ride, ladies and gents. I'll be back here before you know it with an exclusive, one-on-one interview with the Cup winner and an unveiling of this year's One Shining Moment. If you miss it, I'm sure they'll be showing it on the Today Show every day next week.