Murphy’s Bracket by Murphy “the Cat” Girard

Today I come to you with a rare Two Posts in One Day Situation. I don't mean to overwhelm you, but this post is quite time-sensitive, as it contains suggestions for your picks in the Bonanza this year.  Now, the Bonanza (TM) King is quite a stickler and probably won't let you alter your picks based on what Murphy has to say. But other pools are more lenient, so I suggest you look for such a pool to get your picks in.

So without further ado, I bring you a Queen's Corner Special Guest Post from my good friend Murphy the Cat. What is not clear from this post is that he has 6 toes on each foot for a grand total 24 toes, or 12 more than I have. Enjoy!

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I know I need no introduction, but Murphy the Cat here.  You probably followed me on Twitter @MurphydaCat before I realized tweeting was something birds do.  So, as you well know, I am quite the bracketologist.  Seth Davis has come to me for years for advice and Gumbel?  Well he’d be nothing without me.  However, I had to branch out on my own this year after Davis got a little cocky and sent me a bag of Purina Adult Cat Weight Loss dry food instead of his usual ten pounds of cans of tuna.  I mean seriously, Seth?  What am I supposed to do?  Go back to waiting for the humans to leave a tuna can open but unattended?  Please.  I’m not some kind of animal. 

I was planning to tweet my bracket out this morning but I forgot my password a couple of months ago.  Right when I was about to write it down, an interesting shaft of light came in the window and there went the afternoon.  Curiosity really is a curse sometimes.  Fortunately, Mabel “Bonanza™ Cat” Grogan-Buckley offered to let me do a guest spot on her human’s blog.  So she peed on her favorite sweater and went to her deep hiding spot, and I posted this while The Bonanza™ Queen was cleaning and searching.  It was a classic cat caper. 

Anyway, just in time to make your bets, here is my 2014 bracket. 

Now, I think it goes without saying that Cats are dominating once again this year. You can dispute it but all my humans have done for the last few months is sit on the couch yelling about cats.  “Go Cats!”  “C’mon Cats!” etc.  But I recently learned that there are by all account reputable colleges and universities whose mascot isn’t some type of cat.  And that unfortunately these schools were still allowed to compete in the tournament.  So I’m here to begrudgingly talk you through how to pick those games.

Step One: Pick against all dogs.  Dogs are undisputedly the worst at all things including but not limited to basketball, keeping a quiet and tidy home, and selecting napping locations.  (It’s true: some dogs don’t even think of napping on top of whatever a human is looking at or for.) 

Step Two: Animals over humans.  As it will be someday.  Someday.

What matchups does that leave you?

 

From the South:

UCLA Bruins vs. Tulsa Golden Hurricanes. I don’t love bears, but I object to the idea that a team might be named after a weather phenomenon that no one in Tulsa will ever experience. 

Ohio State Buckeyes vs. Dayton Flyers.  I just can’t bring myself to respect a Buckeye, a mascot I could literally defeat myself by batting it under the couch.     

Syracuse Orange vs. Western Michigan Broncos. Orange is quite a terrible color.  Whenever one of my humans gets an orange shirt, I am forced to sleep on it until it is black and white.  Will they ever learn? 

New Mexico Lobos vs. Stanford Cardinal I think that Lobos is just Spanish for some type of dog, right?  I don’t know Spanish of course because this is America and we speak Meowish here. But the Cardinal has to win here anyway.  Their mascot is a tree.  And I LOVE trees.  Especially at Christmas and especially the part of the tree just higher than my girl human can reach.

From the East:

Iowa State Cyclones vs. NC Central Eagles. I once experienced a tornado or “cyclone” and the girl human made me hide in a bathroom.  Unfortunately, I determined that the safest place to be was actually behind the toilet.  Could there be anything more disgusting than that?  So naturally I hate tornadoes, and birds are alright.  Eagles it is.

UNC Tar Heels vs. Providence Friars.  Humans versus humans here.  THE WORST.  So played out.  I refuse to watch.

 

From the West:

Wisconsin Badgers vs. American Eagles.  Badgers have the edge here.  When I’m in charge of the Selection Committee (which will be soon if all goes according to plan), a moderately priced clothing chain training program won’t be allowed to compete in the NCAA.  

From the Midwest:

Duke Blue Devils vs. Mercer Bears. Much like when I puke on the carpet or rip up important papers, my humans hate Duke, so obviously I’ll choose them here.  

Wichita State Shockers vs. Cal Poly Mustangs.  It would be a shocker if bothered to watch this game.  Horses are disgusting.  Might as well be big dogs. 

UMass Minutemen vs. Tennessee Volunteers. Humans versus humans again.  Ugh.  I’ll go with the Minutemen though because cats never Volunteer for anything. 

St. Louis Billikens vs. NC State Wolfpack. Every year my girl human looks up what a Billiken is.  It is so embarrassing.  She can’t remember anything from one year to the next.  And this is coming from someone who can’t always remember that what he’s attacking is his own tail. But what is the Wolf really but a glorified dog?  Billikens. 

Texas Longhorns vs. Arizona State Sun Devils.  After drinking out of your cup and sleeping on your pillow, there’s nothing I love more than the sun. 

So there you go.  I haven’t entered The Bonanza™ because ever since my girl human “lost” her credit card, I have access to all the money I need, but I am told that, due mainly to the Queen’s influence, the pot this year is bigger than ever.  (She made me say that.)  If you use my picks and win, well maybe you could help a cat out and open this Fancy Feast Charles Barkley sent. I haven’t mastered the can opener quite yet.  And the humans are watching.

Coronation Day

Do I sound a little more regal blogging to you today?

If so, it’s likely because as of this morning, I have been crowned Bonanza (TM) Queen. As you know, Evan is the Bonanza (TM) King, the firm but sometimes fair ruler of the Bonanza, his 15-year old March Madness pool/complete obsession from February through April. As you may also know, I believe I should be crowned Bonanza (TM) Queen by the fact of my marriage to Evan alone.

from http://katemiddletonforthewin.tumblr.com/, which

you really need to start reading if you don't already.

 

However, he disagreed, and instead lay down the law that, to be crowned Bonanza (TM) Queen and thus entitled to list that title on each of my brackets, I had to recruit 25 new brackets into the pool to show my dedication.

 

 

seriously, check it out.

 http://katemiddletonforthewin.tumblr.com/

 

And that is why you haven’t heard much from me lately: I’ve been pounding the pavement nonstop to rustle up some new bracketologists. And as of this morning, I recruited 37 undisputed new brackets, as well as 23 more that the King probably won’t let me count, but should count towards my total. (My own dad and brother, for instance? I guarantee they wouldn’t be in the Bonanza without me. But they’ve been in it before (you’re welcome), so Evan says they aren’t “mine.”)

 

Ahh, doesn’t it look nice? I’m almost guaranteed to win this year.

Or maybe I’ve already won. I AM a queen, after all.

Let’s see, what else have I been up to since we’ve last spoken? Well, I got a splinter that I never could get out of my finger and my body seems to have just swallowed it up. I bid adieu to Juan Pablo, who I no longer love from afar (what a jerk!), and I counted the days on my calendar till the Bachelorette premieres in May (60 days as of right now). I was on national (umm…maybe just local) television at the KET telethon. You probably were watching Yoga for Balance and saw me during commercials. I held TWO adorable new babies and didn’t hurt either one of them. I baked a layer cake and it didn't collapse.

… hmm.  Other than the new babies (which obviously I didn’t even birth), not a whole lot of noteworthy stuff. But the weather is improving, my craft juices are flowing again, and it could possibly be a really great time to be a follower of the tudor house blog. Not to mention, there’s a Queen’s Corner trophy to award in the next couple of weeks. Get ready, it’s going to be a REALLY exciting time!

2014 Hate List: Vol. III

It’s been a while since anything has really gotten my goat – probably because of all the good yoga vibes I’ve been stockpiling. But the more I go to yoga, the more convinced I am that I really hate yoga mats. Here’s why.

2014 Hate List

by Allison Buckley

1. Hedgehogs.

2. Cold temperatures without snow days.

3. Eating and being healthy.

4. ABC being cryptic with what "goes down," so to speak, between the Bachelor and his ladies.

5. Yoga mats.

They are incredibly germy and disgusting. Imagine yourself for a moment in a room heated to 105 and pumped full of 40% humidity. Now imagine that the room is packed chock full of women and men in skimpy clothes. Now imagine that as they start to move into various yoga contortions, these classmates start to sweat profusely, dripping sweat onto their towels, their mats, and the carpeted floor.

Now imagine that you are me, and have been scared of contagious diseases since that time in 1989 that you found your mom’s nursing school textbooks in the basement and looked at pictures of smallpox, and that you remember the MRSA outbreaks in gyms that were all over the news a few years ago.  Do you see how this could be a problem?

Allow me to indulge myself in a little diagramming:

all photos from leisure fitness.com

As you can see from my highly technical illustration, the germs from the yoga room floor make their way onto the bottom of your yoga mat, which you then roll up on itself. The floor germs are then transferred to the top of your mat that you stand on. Remember, folks, that I majored in science creative writing so I have a pretty good understanding of how this all works. I’m convinced I’m going to get MRSA from my new hot yoga obsession. BUMMER. But at least I’ll be in shape to fight off the infection … ?

I don’t know. There is probably an easy solution to this – such as disinfecting the mat, or buying a washable one, or something else smart. But I prefer to wallow in my hate list, so I’ll keep on keeping on.

Speaking of yoga, though, you know what else is gross? When people’s sweat drops directly onto your body when they step over you on your mat. Also, when someone who is taller than his or her yoga mat picks the spot in front of you and his or her giant, calloused feet get on your mat, get too close to your face, or even touch your head while you're trying to relax. I think we can all agree that is not very pleasant. Why am I taking these classes, again?

Namaste, friends.

Welcome to the Queen's Corner

By now, you have probably seen Evanshine’s Bonanza trailer, a video which has gone viral on every continent. I hate to take too much credit away from Evan, but that video was made with my* laptop, which seriously impeded me in my blogging efforts. So you can feel free to blame Evan for my recent absence in the blog-o-sphere, if you’re the type of person to place blame.

* Evan claims it is not “my” laptop, but “our” laptop, since we got married. Uh, not in my America!

If you’ve been living under a rock and have not heard of the Bonanza, it is the nation’s premiere March Madness pool, complete with its own website, unmatched commentary courtesy of my husband, The Bonanza King, and unmatched prizes courtesy of the hundreds of participants every year. This is its 15^th year in existence, as you probably have heard. I tend to be ignored a bit from mid-February to early April, because Evan has his Bonanza business to take care of. I usually get my feelings hurt, as I’m sure you can understand.

Now, you probably noticed some critical wording in that last paragraph: … my husband, The Bonanza King. This is yet another similarity that Kate Middleton and I share – marrying into royalty. You probably want to know: does my recent wedding make me The Bonanza Queen?

True story: This was our Christmas Card this year. No, really.

Why yes, yes it does. And though poor Kate must wait to be crowned Queen until her husband assumes the throne, I have actually already assumed the Bonanza throne.

A birthday gift from my dad this year: laminated card showing me that he reserved this email address right after our wedding! Truly a thoughtful gift.

Alas, I have not yet had the chance to use my Bonanza Queen status … until now. Even though Evan promised me a corner of his Bonanza website where I could post my Queenly thoughts, he has since reneged. Luckily, I was able to coerce him into emailing me the tournament logo – and thus the Queen’s Corner of the tudor house blog was born. It is here that I shall post my own thoughts, trivia facts, and commentary on this year’s tourney.

As you can see, I even have my own Queen’s Corner logo. Cute, isn’t it?

Well, lady friends, feel free to check in to the Queen’s Corner after every day of the tournament for a real Queen’s touch. Have questions you’d like answered? Just email them to me at the e-mail address shown above or leave them in the comments section of this post! I’d love to hear from you. There will also be a crowning of the Bonanza Princess this year, a title subordinate only to mine in the land of premiere March Madness pools. A trophy will, of course, be awarded, and the trophy comes with a premiere bio right here in the Queen's Corner at the end of the season or at the end of Kentucky's run, whichever comes first (I tend to lose interest in the tournament when Kentucky chokes). I will decide the criteria for awarding the trophy, but these things will help you in your quest: (1) having entered the Bonanza or the Bonanza Gold (TM), (2) leaving numerous comments right here on my blog, (3) becoming a follower of my blog by clicking the button at right, and (4) sucking up to me. Easy-peasy.

Good luck, and godspeed!

xoxo,

the Queen