I'm Alive!

Well, well, well.

Here I am! I do apologize for my serious lack of posts lately...it appears that it has been nearly two weeks since we last spent time together on the World Wide Web. As you will see in a number of posts I hope to write in the next few days, I have been quite busy lately:

• I went to New York! Didn't get mugged or murdered, plus I bought a fake purse. I did, however, make a bad decision in bringing my "cute" but thin coat instead of the big marshmallow coat. Rookie mistake. I know you're dying to know more about this voyage, but you'll just have to wait till I find the time to write about it. 

• I came home to Kentucky, only to nearly freeze to death in the Polar Vortex Part II. Our kitchen pipes froze but (I think) didn't explode. 

• I had a near-death experience. I came home one night to find the house smelling weird - like gas, or so I thought. So, at my urging, we called the emergency hotline and the gas company came out at midnight to see if we had a leak. We did not. I was slightly embarrassed.

• I have been really focusing on my practice.... No, not of the law, but of hot yoga. And by "focusing on my practice," I mean thank goodness you pre-pay for a month's membership, because OMG it's hot as a mo-fo in there. Also, I hate to sweat.

• But I'd say the biggest change around these parts is Mabes. That precious little girl is growing quick as a weed:

*

There she is. Adorable, right? I bet you'd forgotten what she looked like in the many weeks she's been absent from the tudor house blog. But with Mabel's huge size comes quite a bit of responsibility for mama. Bigger litter boxes to clean out, bigger water bowls to refill. So as soon as I give her a bottle, I'll be back in cyberspace working on my next post.

Until then ...

* OK, technically this may not be a picture of Mabes. But it is a picture of a baby tiger cub I got to play with a couple of weeks ago at the Wildlife in Need sanctuary in Indiana. As you can see, it was pretty awesome. And you thought this was a boring cat lady blog ...

The Bachelor Crazies

As we all know, it's officially Juan-uary (thank goodness). I apologize for not posting my many, many thoughts on last week's episode, but it has actually taken me this long to recover from the parade of crazies that was last Monday night. Also, I was really busy photoshopping the three instant classics you will see in this post. But you're in luck because I've managed to collect my thoughts on this week's episode. Here we go ... in no particular order, this week's top 5 moments.

5. The professional free spirit, Lucy, spent approximately 47% of the episode without her clothes on. Seriously, they had to use those big black boxes to cover up her privates in like 15 different scenes. The crowd favorite was the scene where the group of bachelorettes were having a photo shoot with pound puppies and she went strolling down the street completely naked walking her dog. None of us are sure how she didn't get arrested for indecent exposure.

4. Victoria (who I picked to be a favorite in my pre-season rankings last month) got really, really drunk and embarrassed herself to the point that one of her co-bachelorettes took pity on her and told her to reign it in. Thank goodness, she did not reign it in, and went on to say the best quote in Bachelor history: "If Juan Pablo just so happens to be mine, i'm gonna straddle him every day. Because that's what life is about. Straddling people... and things." She did not explain what things she meant, but spent quite a bit of time doing suggestive dance moves by herself in a swimming pool. Unfortunately, we have seen the end of Victoria: she got sent home because Juan Pablo is 32 and has a child and said that it was the "rightest" thing for him to do.

3. I still can't get over the fact that Kelly, the professional dog lover, brought a dog with her to the show. There was an entire outtake at the end of the crew dressing up her dog and asking it questions. I can't judge too much, because obviously I would bring Mabes with me if I went on the show -

- but, as one of my insightful co-watchers said last night, who is letting that dog out when they stay out filming till 6 am?

2. Speaking of the professional dog walker, what is up with the professions this year? Off the top of my head, I remember dog lover, free spirit, science "educator," and former NBA dancer. Please tell me how any of those jobs actually make money? Though I guess the former NBA dancer may be a good match for JP, who is a former athlete himself.

and 1. The hilarious commentary from my Bachelor watching squad.

We decided that my friend Stephanie would be great to have on The Bachelor, because she'd keep the crazies in line. When Victoria was crying by herself in the bathroom, Stephanie did not say "poor Victoria" like Juan Pablo, but: "I don't have a lot of patience for drunk people. I'd be like ... just throw up." And to all the criers out there? "There's no crying in the Bachelor.. Haha.. Except there is."

She would be terrifying but truly a great addition to any cast. Too bad she already has a BF. Your loss, ABC. Would you consider allowing a few unavailable girls on the show just to spice things up?

Anyway, 'tis my bedtime. These 8-10 episodes are really cutting into my sleeping life!

What were your thoughts?

A Birthday Tea for Kate

(As if you didn’t know,) Kate Middleton’s birthday is today! Happy birthday to Kate! By the time you read this, I will be en route to Jolly old England for the occasion.

Many news outlets are writing articles wondering what Kate will do on her birthday – apparently she used to spend it on romantic getaways with Willie or partying with Pippa, but the arrival of new Prince George seems likely to put a damper on things this year. Apparently, her plans have not been publicized … until now.

Kate will be spending her birthday in the comfort of her own palace, with just a small party of five – Kate, Wills, Georgie, Me and Mabel. We haven’t made a big deal of our plans because we don’t want the paparazzi to swarm us, but you’ll see pictures in People soon enough. The paparazzi can be so determined sometimes, you know.

To get ready for her first royal tea, Mabel and I practiced and had a little tea party last night.

We’re bringing Kate a nice little basket of Kentucky-themed items … bourbon, a few racehorses, a patch of bluegrass sod, a bucket of KFC, etc. I just know she’s going to love it. I hope all you readers out there have a safe and happy Kate's birthday.

Oh, and by the way, the hedgehog Christmas ornament that I ordered online in the midst of my brief love affair with the hedgie arrived today. Just in time for the holidays. Maybe I’ll give it to Mabel.

Also, were you wanting to order a photo of Mabel with your Christmas money? If so, the file's below. MEOW.

2014 Hate List

Good morning, friends. I assume you're all reading from home because you've taken a personal day to celebrate the arrival, at long last, of Juan-uary. Or perhaps you're home because of record snowfalls and death-defying temperatures. Sadly, we got almost no snow in tropical Lexington, and while the low temperature is predicted to be a balmy -3 degrees, by the time you read this, I will be at work because I have to go to court in the morning and unfortunately the courts are not closed in honor of this cold, cold holiday.

I hate it when other people get snow days and I don't. In fact, I've been feeling so much hate watching the Snow-Go Report that I've decided to start a new regular feature here on the tudor house blog: the 2014 Hate List. I know most people (including myself) have resolved to be nicer, kinder, gentler, and more positive in the year 2014. However, I think we can all understand that there are just some things that you hate no matter how positive you otherwise are. So without further ado, I present to you: my 2014 Hate List! I will be adding something I hate at least weekly, or as often as I find myself hating something. Last week's entry was, of course, hedgehogs. This week I add two: cold temps without snow days and eating and being healthy.

2014 Hate List

by Allison Buckley

1. Hedgehogs.

2. Cold temperatures without snow days. See above. It ain't right.

3. Eating and Being Healthy. This was another of my New Years Resolutions this year, and even though I know it's good for you, I really hate it. I made cabbage soup last week in an attempt to eat healthier, and it was gross. I added chicken to it so that I could think of it as a real meal, and it was still gross. Then I had tons of leftover chicken so I made chicken salad for dinner the next night. The salad was better, but still not quite as tasty as a delicious pizza or a Cinnabon. Scientists, please quit looking into rockets, spaceships and delivery drones and focus your attentions on a pizza that tastes just like real pizza but is actually made of carrots and green beans. And while you're at it, a puppy that always looks like a puppy but has the maturity of a full-grown dog. Is that too much to ask?

And then I made the mistake of going to my first ever Pilates class! I hated this too! First, my yoga mat has been rolled up in the basement so long that it spent the whole class rolling up and hitting me on the head whenever I tried to lay down. Then, the class was supposed to be only one hour, but I'm pretty sure it was about 5 hours long. And, it was so hard! The pictures of people on Pilates DVDs are quite misleading - they look so cool and calm and collected, but they don't tell you that your legs will be spasming uncontrollably by the end of an hour of trying to hold them in the air at hip height. But I will go back next week ... ugh!

As much as all of this is true, don't worry too much about me, loyal readers. I fully plan to order several pizzas and make a giant bowl of popcorn to celebrate the return of Juan Pablo tonight...and if all my co-watchers are unable to attend because of bad weather, I guess I'll just have to eat all of it myself.

Never Mind!

On Tuesday, I said that Evanshine gave me the go-ahead to buy a hedgehog for my Christmas gift to myself! This was not entirely true. I do believe we would have eventually reached an agreement where I got to adopt one of those little cuties, and had I not done some extensive research online, I'm pretty sure there would be one sitting in my lap right now. However, my research revealed that hedgehogs are, in fact, filthy little creatures who seem not to have many redeeming qualities.

I read the hedgehog Bible - Pet African Hedgehogs: A Complete Guide to Care, available for free on the website of a local hedgehog breeder. I had to double check that it was a real link and not just some spam, because OMG, it really turned me off of "hedgies."  Allow me to explain...

The book provided a little quiz to see if you were suited to hedgie adoption. If you answered "yes" to all of the questions on the checklist, you passed the first stage and could continue to read the entire 124-page manual. First up:

[  ]  I understand that hedgehogs are nocturnal and I can't change this.

OK, fine. I like to sleep, too. So far, so good.

[  ]  I understand that I will be poked by my hedgehog.

Hmm. This sounds a little less appealing. But I guess that is to be expected. I'll answer yes.

[  ]  I understand that hedgehogs are expensive and I have money saved for emergencies.

Hold on. What do you mean, expensive? I see the price tag of around $225-$275. I'm okay with that. But do they have to, like, go to the vet? I thought animals that could fit in your palm didn't have to do that.

[  ]  I understand that some hedgehogs are grumpy and never become friendly.

Me too. So is Mabel. A hedgehog would fit right in!

[  ]  I understand that hedgehogs do defecate and urinate on people, sometimes frequently.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. That is pretty gross. Do they provide diapers with these things? And, excuse me, but what does "sometimes frequently" mean?

If the points above haven't turned you away, and you answered yes truthfully to everything on the checklist, a hedgie might be a great fit for you!

Uhhh... Please, show me one person who wouldn't honestly be "turned away" by the idea of getting poked, peed and pooped on by a very expensive, nocturnal animal. But I shall continue to read the manual, because maybe they have some redeeming qualities.

Ew, gross. Frothing and foaming at the mouth, but no rabies? I'm confused.

And here's where it gets really gross. You may want to quit reading here if you have a weak stomach or are a visual reader like me.

This is where they really started to lose me. Boy time? Ick!, and the fact that you might have to use nail polish remover to clean up after them is downright disturbing. No thank you. Another cat is looking more appealing every day...

OH SICK. I am grumpy enough when I wake up without the task of uncaking poop from tiny little hedgehog feet. I think I am not cut out for hedgehog ownership, unfortunately. But they really are cute. Search for them on Pinterest and see what I mean if you don't believe me!

So, this is why I have changed my mind and will not be dropping a few hundred dollas on a hedgie. I am, of course, still open to the thought of puppies, kittens, micro-pigs and possibly a rabbit. Stay tuned.