The Bachelor Crazies

As we all know, it's officially Juan-uary (thank goodness). I apologize for not posting my many, many thoughts on last week's episode, but it has actually taken me this long to recover from the parade of crazies that was last Monday night. Also, I was really busy photoshopping the three instant classics you will see in this post. But you're in luck because I've managed to collect my thoughts on this week's episode. Here we go ... in no particular order, this week's top 5 moments.

5. The professional free spirit, Lucy, spent approximately 47% of the episode without her clothes on. Seriously, they had to use those big black boxes to cover up her privates in like 15 different scenes. The crowd favorite was the scene where the group of bachelorettes were having a photo shoot with pound puppies and she went strolling down the street completely naked walking her dog. None of us are sure how she didn't get arrested for indecent exposure.

4. Victoria (who I picked to be a favorite in my pre-season rankings last month) got really, really drunk and embarrassed herself to the point that one of her co-bachelorettes took pity on her and told her to reign it in. Thank goodness, she did not reign it in, and went on to say the best quote in Bachelor history: "If Juan Pablo just so happens to be mine, i'm gonna straddle him every day. Because that's what life is about. Straddling people... and things." She did not explain what things she meant, but spent quite a bit of time doing suggestive dance moves by herself in a swimming pool. Unfortunately, we have seen the end of Victoria: she got sent home because Juan Pablo is 32 and has a child and said that it was the "rightest" thing for him to do.

3. I still can't get over the fact that Kelly, the professional dog lover, brought a dog with her to the show. There was an entire outtake at the end of the crew dressing up her dog and asking it questions. I can't judge too much, because obviously I would bring Mabes with me if I went on the show -

- but, as one of my insightful co-watchers said last night, who is letting that dog out when they stay out filming till 6 am?

2. Speaking of the professional dog walker, what is up with the professions this year? Off the top of my head, I remember dog lover, free spirit, science "educator," and former NBA dancer. Please tell me how any of those jobs actually make money? Though I guess the former NBA dancer may be a good match for JP, who is a former athlete himself.

and 1. The hilarious commentary from my Bachelor watching squad.

We decided that my friend Stephanie would be great to have on The Bachelor, because she'd keep the crazies in line. When Victoria was crying by herself in the bathroom, Stephanie did not say "poor Victoria" like Juan Pablo, but: "I don't have a lot of patience for drunk people. I'd be like ... just throw up." And to all the criers out there? "There's no crying in the Bachelor.. Haha.. Except there is."

She would be terrifying but truly a great addition to any cast. Too bad she already has a BF. Your loss, ABC. Would you consider allowing a few unavailable girls on the show just to spice things up?

Anyway, 'tis my bedtime. These 8-10 episodes are really cutting into my sleeping life!

What were your thoughts?