Murphy’s Bracket by Murphy “the Cat” Girard

Today I come to you with a rare Two Posts in One Day Situation. I don't mean to overwhelm you, but this post is quite time-sensitive, as it contains suggestions for your picks in the Bonanza this year.  Now, the Bonanza (TM) King is quite a stickler and probably won't let you alter your picks based on what Murphy has to say. But other pools are more lenient, so I suggest you look for such a pool to get your picks in.

So without further ado, I bring you a Queen's Corner Special Guest Post from my good friend Murphy the Cat. What is not clear from this post is that he has 6 toes on each foot for a grand total 24 toes, or 12 more than I have. Enjoy!

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I know I need no introduction, but Murphy the Cat here.  You probably followed me on Twitter @MurphydaCat before I realized tweeting was something birds do.  So, as you well know, I am quite the bracketologist.  Seth Davis has come to me for years for advice and Gumbel?  Well he’d be nothing without me.  However, I had to branch out on my own this year after Davis got a little cocky and sent me a bag of Purina Adult Cat Weight Loss dry food instead of his usual ten pounds of cans of tuna.  I mean seriously, Seth?  What am I supposed to do?  Go back to waiting for the humans to leave a tuna can open but unattended?  Please.  I’m not some kind of animal. 

I was planning to tweet my bracket out this morning but I forgot my password a couple of months ago.  Right when I was about to write it down, an interesting shaft of light came in the window and there went the afternoon.  Curiosity really is a curse sometimes.  Fortunately, Mabel “Bonanza™ Cat” Grogan-Buckley offered to let me do a guest spot on her human’s blog.  So she peed on her favorite sweater and went to her deep hiding spot, and I posted this while The Bonanza™ Queen was cleaning and searching.  It was a classic cat caper. 

Anyway, just in time to make your bets, here is my 2014 bracket. 

Now, I think it goes without saying that Cats are dominating once again this year. You can dispute it but all my humans have done for the last few months is sit on the couch yelling about cats.  “Go Cats!”  “C’mon Cats!” etc.  But I recently learned that there are by all account reputable colleges and universities whose mascot isn’t some type of cat.  And that unfortunately these schools were still allowed to compete in the tournament.  So I’m here to begrudgingly talk you through how to pick those games.

Step One: Pick against all dogs.  Dogs are undisputedly the worst at all things including but not limited to basketball, keeping a quiet and tidy home, and selecting napping locations.  (It’s true: some dogs don’t even think of napping on top of whatever a human is looking at or for.) 

Step Two: Animals over humans.  As it will be someday.  Someday.

What matchups does that leave you?

 

From the South:

UCLA Bruins vs. Tulsa Golden Hurricanes. I don’t love bears, but I object to the idea that a team might be named after a weather phenomenon that no one in Tulsa will ever experience. 

Ohio State Buckeyes vs. Dayton Flyers.  I just can’t bring myself to respect a Buckeye, a mascot I could literally defeat myself by batting it under the couch.     

Syracuse Orange vs. Western Michigan Broncos. Orange is quite a terrible color.  Whenever one of my humans gets an orange shirt, I am forced to sleep on it until it is black and white.  Will they ever learn? 

New Mexico Lobos vs. Stanford Cardinal I think that Lobos is just Spanish for some type of dog, right?  I don’t know Spanish of course because this is America and we speak Meowish here. But the Cardinal has to win here anyway.  Their mascot is a tree.  And I LOVE trees.  Especially at Christmas and especially the part of the tree just higher than my girl human can reach.

From the East:

Iowa State Cyclones vs. NC Central Eagles. I once experienced a tornado or “cyclone” and the girl human made me hide in a bathroom.  Unfortunately, I determined that the safest place to be was actually behind the toilet.  Could there be anything more disgusting than that?  So naturally I hate tornadoes, and birds are alright.  Eagles it is.

UNC Tar Heels vs. Providence Friars.  Humans versus humans here.  THE WORST.  So played out.  I refuse to watch.

 

From the West:

Wisconsin Badgers vs. American Eagles.  Badgers have the edge here.  When I’m in charge of the Selection Committee (which will be soon if all goes according to plan), a moderately priced clothing chain training program won’t be allowed to compete in the NCAA.  

From the Midwest:

Duke Blue Devils vs. Mercer Bears. Much like when I puke on the carpet or rip up important papers, my humans hate Duke, so obviously I’ll choose them here.  

Wichita State Shockers vs. Cal Poly Mustangs.  It would be a shocker if bothered to watch this game.  Horses are disgusting.  Might as well be big dogs. 

UMass Minutemen vs. Tennessee Volunteers. Humans versus humans again.  Ugh.  I’ll go with the Minutemen though because cats never Volunteer for anything. 

St. Louis Billikens vs. NC State Wolfpack. Every year my girl human looks up what a Billiken is.  It is so embarrassing.  She can’t remember anything from one year to the next.  And this is coming from someone who can’t always remember that what he’s attacking is his own tail. But what is the Wolf really but a glorified dog?  Billikens. 

Texas Longhorns vs. Arizona State Sun Devils.  After drinking out of your cup and sleeping on your pillow, there’s nothing I love more than the sun. 

So there you go.  I haven’t entered The Bonanza™ because ever since my girl human “lost” her credit card, I have access to all the money I need, but I am told that, due mainly to the Queen’s influence, the pot this year is bigger than ever.  (She made me say that.)  If you use my picks and win, well maybe you could help a cat out and open this Fancy Feast Charles Barkley sent. I haven’t mastered the can opener quite yet.  And the humans are watching.