HOW TOesday: Use the Find My Phone App to its Fullest Potential

Welcome back, everyone, to HOW TOesday. What's that? You thought I would forget that I had started a Regular Column and not post this week? Worry not. I have decided to give up my free time and any semblance of a social life to bring you another educational installment. 

I must admit, though, that I almost passed this week up. Not out of laziness, but because I didn't do one fun or creative thing this entire week. I guess I could have written "HOW TOesday: Wash Every Item of Clothing in Your House Because Otherwise You and Your Husband Will be Wearing College T-Shirts and Gym Shorts to Work Next Week" (just kidding - those were dirty too) or "HOW TOesday: Fill Up Your Husband's Entire Extended Cab With Boxes of Dusty Junk From Your Basement to Take to Goodwill So You Can Actually Reach the Water Heater," but somehow I just didn't think that would get the tons of readers my posts usually attract.

So, here we are at HOW TOesday: Use the Find My Phone App to its Fullest Potential. Without further ado, here it is:

It was Friday night, and we had just gotten home from Drake's, Evan's and my favorite restaurant because it serves both sushi and cheeseburgers. (Guess which is my favorite food and which is Evan's?)  On my way to my bedroom to put on my sweatpants and prepare for a marathon evening of TV watching and eating Thin Mints from the deep freeze, I reached for my phone so I could check Facebook while I changed clothes. 

… Which brings us to Step 1: Try not to be jealous of the wild and crazy lives of your favorite instructional bloggers. Hard, I know.

But, HORROR OF ALL HORRORS! I could not find my phone! It was nowhere to be found. Naturally, I started to freak out. All my contacts! My original download of the now-discontinued Flappy Bird! My Notes section which stores every single password I've ever used! (I know, I know.)

Step 2: Be sure that you've already installed the Find My Phone app on your iPad. 

Don't worry, I had. So I opened that mo fo up and hit "locate." My heart stopped three times while it was locating. Finally, a result: across a major street from Drake's, in what appeared to be a neighborhood! Immediately I was furious. 

"[EDITED]!! My phone's been stolen!!!!!" 

"Let me see," said the ever-calm Evanshine. He took a look at the iPad. "That's weird that it's right across the street from Drake's. I bet it's still at Drake's." 

I activated LOST mode and entered Evan's phone number as my contact.

Step 3: Remain calm.

"NO WAY, YOU IDIOT, GPS IS EXTREMELY ACCURATE. What century are you living in? You're just jealous your Samsung Whatever doesn't have a find my phone app. It's so obvious, it's pathetic. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO? My phone has been STOLEN! Do you know how much it costs to replace an iPhone without renewing your contract? THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS, EVAN. THOUSANDS. I hope you're getting a promotion soon." Have I mentioned that I've been known to overreact and mis-direct my anger?

"Well," said Evan, "why don't you call Drake's? Just see if they have it?"

"THEY DON'T."

"Or call the police?"

"UGH. I don't want to call the police. Would you call Drake's for me?"

Surprisingly, he agreed. And, as I expected, the hostess at Drake's told him that they did not have my phone.

"I KNEW IT. It's obviously been stolen. Why, random house near Drake's, why did you have to steal my phone????" I checked the iPad again. Still at that same house. I pulled up the map view, figured out the house number, and looked up the criminal on the Property Valuation Administrator's website. See, there are perks to being a real estate attorney! It was owned by someone by the name of Eunice. (Editor's note: I have changed the real criminal's old lady name to Eunice for the purpose of avoiding being sued for slander.) 

"Eunice. WHAT A BITCH!" 

Somehow, I heard Evan's quiet voice over my wails. "Why don't you call the police?"

"Will you call for me?"

"No." [We are getting a divorce. Evan has clearly forgotten our marriage vows.] "Here's my phone." And like a coward, he left the room.

I figured out how to dial Evan's primitive cell phone and dialed the non-emergency police number. The lady who answered was completely unimpressed by my detective skills ("Hi, I'd like to report a stolen phone, but I know where it is from my Find My Phone App.") and told me an officer would call me to take my report. I prepared myself for his call and hit refresh on my iPad. Still at Eunice's house.

After a literal eternity, my phone rang. It was Officer Smith. (Editor's Note: Again, I have changed the name of this poor detective for privacy purposes.) I told him my sad story, and he informed me that, while he was "not old," he wasn't very young either, and was not sure how accurate my app was. Therefore, he could not just go to Eunice's house and ask her to give my phone back because she'd probably hide it anyway. I told him I understood, he apologized for my misfortunes, and told me to try to have a good weekend anyway. 

I scoffed at Officer Smith's obvious ignorance of technology. GPS not accurate, ha! I hit refresh on the iPad and used it to text Courtney about my misfortunes. Do you think I have to report this to work and then they are going to read through all my emails to make sure I haven't released any protected information about clients even if I erase my phone from afar??? I asked. She did not have an answer for me, but told her husband about my troubles. He called Evan and suggested that they go to Eunice's house and get my phone back for me. They were looking Eunice up on Facebook to assess how dangerous she might be (Answer: Not Very) when Evan's phone rang.

It was a security guard from Drake's. He had my phone. Oh. 

4. Recognize that GPS is not always completely accurate.

I called off the militia and had just grabbed my car keys to go get my phone when Evan's phone rang again. This time, it was my boy, Officer Smith.

"Hi, ma'am, it's Officer Smith again. I just wanted to let you know that I called your cell phone and left a mean message. I told them to do the right thing and they will avoid any trouble. So hopefully they'll hear that and just bring it back." 

"Oh, thanks! Actually, I JUST got a call! Someone found my phone!"

I didn't have the heart to tell Officer Smith that that someone was the security guard at Drake's, where I left my phone. Oops. 

"I guess your message worked!"

5. Retrace your steps and find your phone. 

Sigh. So, with my tail between my legs, I went to Drake's and picked up my phone from a very cheerful security guard. I came home to Evan, who only said "I told you so" once or twice, and finally put on my sweatpants and turned on the TV. Don't worry, because I live such a wild and crazy life, it was still only about 9:30 after all of this action went down, so I had plenty of time for several episodes of 19 Kids and Counting before bedtime. Success!

(Editor's Final Note: Mom, if you're reading, don't worry. I wasn't really this mean to Evan, and we aren't really getting a divorce. It's called creative writing, and I majored in it in college and use it every day in my career, if you remember. Love ya!)