It will not surprise you that I'm considering trying out as a contestant. Evanshine is okay with this, I think. I haven't actually asked him but he's never been one to stand in the way of my dreams.
Anyway, I thought I'd just share with you my top five strategies to snag me a Juan Pabs. (If I don't end up making the cut for casting, feel free to use these strategies. I've always been one to share my genius.)
1. Have a schtick. Every season there are one or two people who wear, bring or do something ridiculous to get the Bachelor or Bachelorette's attention. Memorable examples include: one bachelor wore a mask and wouldn't let the Bachelorette see his face till they fell in love (they didn't); one didn't wear a shirt (this guy went surprisingly far); one came wearing a full suit of armor (this guy got hot in his constume and I think eventually gave it up).
Obviously, my thing would be to be the cat lady of the group by bringing sweet, sweet Mabel along. All guys want girls that are animal people, and dogs are SO 2012. Cats is purses are so in right now. I would of course dress her up in an adorable dress so that she fit in with the other contestants.
For example:
2. Speak only in Spanish. I majored in Spanish in college, spent a semester in Spain, and remember almost none of it. (Sorry, Mom and Dad!) But I know enough words to string together to sound like a real Spaniard - at least to anyone that doesn't speak Spanish at all.
Side note: When I studied abroad, I had some seriously embarrassing faux pas (what's Spanish for faux pas? See? I don't even know.) with the language. The one that sticks out happened in a McDonald's. Our group of American students had gotten a lesson early on in the difference between cono (cone, as in ice cream cone) and coño (as in a slang term for a female body part. Not acceptable in everyday conversation.) I, of course, went to McDonald's, where I forgot that lesson immediately and ordered dos coños de helado - what I thought was two ice cream cones. Nope. Everyone started laughing at me. The girl at the register yelled back to the guys making french fries...and I ran. Never even got my two ice cream cones. So me speaking only in Spanish would provide some momentos exelentes y romanticos. Or something.
I think JP will be honored by my attempt to speak his native tongue. Juan Pablo, ¡Escógeme a mí! (Pick me?)
3. Try to remind Juan Pablo of his daughter. Juan Pablo really loves his little girl. In fact, even when I searched for photos of Juan Pablo with Desiree, most of the pictures I found were of him and his daughter. This tells me that he loves his little girl, and if I could subconsciously make him think of her, maybe he'd love me too.
Yep, I photoshopped that myself. Try not to be amazed at my many skills. I'm placing an order for pink hairbows as we speak.
4. Bring my own snacks. They seem to hand out plenty of free drinks on the Bachelor, but from what I can tell (based on the many drunken fools who drank on an empty stomach in the first episode), no snacks are provided. I do my best when eating - otherwise, I have been known to get "hangry." I'll fill my pockets and purse (and maybe Mabel's pockets, too, if she has any) with food to beat the Bachelor producers at their own game.
5. Tell everyone that I'm married. Bachelor contestants are a backstabbing, gossipy bunch, so if I told them I'm married, they'll all tell each other how I'm not there for the right reasons, and then word will eventually get out to the producers, who will fly Evanshine to the set for a showdown. It will be dramatic and I'll be on the cover of People and Us Weekly (achieving a lifelong goal). I'll go down in Bachelor history, which is more than most contestants can say. And, joke's on you, producers -- Evanshine and I will be in a foreign city for free! I really can't go wrong with this plan.
I'm pretty sure that if I just follow my strategy, I'll end up living the dream:
Blogging in bed with Juan Pablo.
P.S. This is Post No. 4. Blog Goal No. 1: ACHIEVED. Dreams do come true, boys and girls.
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