HOW TOesday: Alienate Your Daughter

Here I am again, back to give you more useful insights into life. If you're anything like my mom, you are printing off these HOW TOesday posts and storing them in a folder marked "Important" or "Useful Tips." Thanks for that.

Anyway, tonight as friends were arriving to watch a double-header of the Bachelorette, we noticed someone has been pranking me on my own anniversary typewriter:

Say what?

You may notice a "mom was here!" in the bottom corner of the page. Naturally, my top suspect at first was my mom. I have since confirmed, however, that the culprit was my father, a full-grown man and my own flesh and blood.

So today I am filing paperwork to legally emancipate myself from my father, a la Drew Barrymore. Accordingly, I am up for adoption. Applicants with a spare trust fund or vacation homes in Maine, Park City, or the South of France will be preferred. You can apply by becoming an f-ing follower of my blog! (I still only have two...which seems impossible given the useful and interesting content.)

And the Cup goes to...

Welcome back to the Queen's Corner. As you might have heard, something terrible happened in Texas last Monday evening, sending the Queen herself into a deep depression in which she simply did not have it in her to hand out the Queen's Cup.

However, time heals all wounds, and I need to get this beautiful Cup out of the tudor house before I become attached to it and have to keep it for myself. (You may have noticed that there was no prohibition in the official Queen's Cup Rules barring me from winning…)

But alas, after spending hours reviewing the many entries into this year's competition, something incredible happened. A dead heat between the top two scorers. A tie! The first ever in the short history of the Cup. So, in an effort at transparency, I will share the top answers to this year's Queen's Questions so that you can understand just how this all shook out.

1. Who is going to win the NCAA Men's Final Four this year, and why?

Both of the top finishers answered correctly: the University of Kentucky! +5 for each.

2. How have you personally helped Kentucky make it to the Final Four?

Top Answer, verbatim: I am fortunate enough to own a pair of leggings which depict a pattern of relaxing felines, colloquially known as my "cat pants." Though they are decidedly on their last legs (threadbare and replete with holes), I have worn them for each and every tournament game. Additionally, I have worn the 2012 National Championship shirt, and my fun blue monogram sweatshirt (which matches the Queen's of course) and a furry blue and white scarf. Today, I am wearing the same shirt that I wore when we won the 2012 championship, but I have the 2012 National Championship shirt in my bag in case it becomes a necessity. I plan to change into my cat pants just before I leave work. 

You may notice that this respondent got bonus points for the cat reference and for mentioning the Queen. All hail me!

3. In what ways is the Bonanza Queen like -- or better than -- Duchess Kate?

Top Answer: The Bonanza Queen is equally as awesome as Kate (because even the BQ would get mad if anyone suggested that someone was better than Kate)!! They are both destined to be royalty and are overall better than everyone else.

This is so very true. An obvious winner.

4. How cute was that picture of the royals and Baby George?

Top Answer: I will admit, I'm not sure exactly which one you mean, because all pictures of them are incredibly cute.  I have attached two that I like.  In the first, labeled "cute", I admire that Kate is wearing a cute bathing suit so as to avoid inappropriate boobage, and I think even Dana would approve of how adorable George is with his strategically placed bubbles.  In the second, I believe that George is thinking, "Why are you not a cat?" 

 

source

This is, of course, the photo that I was referring to. The respondent is correct that Baby George would prefer a cat. And, this respondent got bonus points for bringing to my attention this beautiful gem:

5. Where would you display the Queen's Cup, and how would having it make your life more worth living?

Top Answer: I'm still thinking about the best display option, but right now I'm thinking about a rotating situation where it goes from my house to the office and everywhere in between - such as dinner at Noodles & Company and my constant visits to the emergency vet. Two things that make my life worth living: Molly and the Queen's Cup.

This competitor got bonus points because she has promised, in writing, to display the Cup at our mutual place of work, where it is sure to inspire many questions and conversations about how I am the Queen. This competitor obviously knows that with the Queen, flattery is the best policy.

Honorable Mention: I imagine I would spend many days admiring the Cup filled with a sense of pride and honor.  I would undoubtedly have to quit my job.

Yes, wouldn't we all?

6. Agree or disagree: Marcus Lee (not to put any pressure on you here, but he is the Queen's favorite player) looks dead-on like Doug Funny.

Top Answer: Absolutely I do.  Plus sometimes he is regular Doug, riding the bench, cheering on his teammates.  But sometimes he is Quailman, soaring through the skies to fight crime and snatch incredible rebounds.


This respondent gets this question correct because she pointed out a comparison that even I hadn't noticed. Well done, my friend.

Other points were awarded for watching games with me (2 points per game, with a bonus 3 for being with me for the national championship game), for commenting on my blog, for letting me decide where and when to go to lunch one day, for guest posting on my blog, and for being Mabel's godmother. Tallying the scores was truly a nightmare. But I persevered, and present to you the TWO inaugural winners of the Queen's Cup:

Ms. Courtney "Big Red" Samford, who chose to take 

her victory portrait in a field of big red flowers, 

and 

Ms. Anna "Incognito" Girard, who chose to take her 

victory portrait in a dark, dark room. Too bad I missed

 that free Photoshop class at the public library 

or I could have let you see Ms. Anna's face.

The Official Queen's Cup rules applicable to Co-Cup Winners:

1.  The Cup will first be awarded to the person closest in proximity to the Queen on Tuesday morning, April 15, 2014.

2. The Co-Winners must meet at the stroke of midnight every night throughout their reign to exchange custody of the Cup.

3. Each Co-Winner must keep an accurate, detailed account of the Cup's activities and whereabouts each day in a hand-sewn book made by one of the Co-Winners. This Queen's Ledger must accompany the Cup at all hand-offs and must be made available to the Queen at her request.

4. Each Co-Winner should provide the Queen with frequent photos and narratives written from the perspective of the Cup, to be posted on the Queen's blog in the Queen's sole discretion.

There will likely be more rules added as time goes on, but that's it for now. It's been a great season, y'all, and thank you kindly for your entries. Until next year,

xoxo
the Queen

Coronation Day

Do I sound a little more regal blogging to you today?

If so, it’s likely because as of this morning, I have been crowned Bonanza (TM) Queen. As you know, Evan is the Bonanza (TM) King, the firm but sometimes fair ruler of the Bonanza, his 15-year old March Madness pool/complete obsession from February through April. As you may also know, I believe I should be crowned Bonanza (TM) Queen by the fact of my marriage to Evan alone.

from http://katemiddletonforthewin.tumblr.com/, which

you really need to start reading if you don't already.

 

However, he disagreed, and instead lay down the law that, to be crowned Bonanza (TM) Queen and thus entitled to list that title on each of my brackets, I had to recruit 25 new brackets into the pool to show my dedication.

 

 

seriously, check it out.

 http://katemiddletonforthewin.tumblr.com/

 

And that is why you haven’t heard much from me lately: I’ve been pounding the pavement nonstop to rustle up some new bracketologists. And as of this morning, I recruited 37 undisputed new brackets, as well as 23 more that the King probably won’t let me count, but should count towards my total. (My own dad and brother, for instance? I guarantee they wouldn’t be in the Bonanza without me. But they’ve been in it before (you’re welcome), so Evan says they aren’t “mine.”)

 

Ahh, doesn’t it look nice? I’m almost guaranteed to win this year.

Or maybe I’ve already won. I AM a queen, after all.

Let’s see, what else have I been up to since we’ve last spoken? Well, I got a splinter that I never could get out of my finger and my body seems to have just swallowed it up. I bid adieu to Juan Pablo, who I no longer love from afar (what a jerk!), and I counted the days on my calendar till the Bachelorette premieres in May (60 days as of right now). I was on national (umm…maybe just local) television at the KET telethon. You probably were watching Yoga for Balance and saw me during commercials. I held TWO adorable new babies and didn’t hurt either one of them. I baked a layer cake and it didn't collapse.

… hmm.  Other than the new babies (which obviously I didn’t even birth), not a whole lot of noteworthy stuff. But the weather is improving, my craft juices are flowing again, and it could possibly be a really great time to be a follower of the tudor house blog. Not to mention, there’s a Queen’s Corner trophy to award in the next couple of weeks. Get ready, it’s going to be a REALLY exciting time!

Five on Friday

Today, I branch out into a “link up.” This is where I write on the same topic as a bunch of other bloggers and somehow new readers find their way to my page. Facebook friends, if I can get some new readers, this may take a little of the pressure off of you!

New readers, Welcome! This blog is going to be right up your alley if you like the following: Kate Middleton, cats, cat videos, Pinterest, hilarity, and complaining. Also:sarcasm. If not, you may want to move on in the link-up. Right now, additional hot topics are the Olympics/Kristi Yamaguchi (because I am participating in a fantasy Olympics league which I was dominating but am now in an embarrassing 10 th place) and hot yoga (because I stupidly agreed to a 30-classes-in-30-days challenge at the suggestion of my friend Anna).

Anyway, today’s topic is “Five on Friday,” which seems to mean I can just write five random thoughts! This I can do. Here we go:

ONE

 

photo from USMagazine.com

 

Kate Middleton recently took her first trip with Baby Prince George out of Mother England. Like George, Mabel (my precious cat, for all you new readers out there) had a new experience recently, too! She got to take a walk into the polar vortex on a leash. She was not really a fan, and when she heard the neighbor shoveling snow, she started wailing and I had to take her inside. I bet George’s trip was equally unsuccessful.

 

TWO

 

I’ve got a new favorite saying. I heard it when I called a surveyor for something at work and asked him how he was doing. His response: “It’s a dog-eat-dog world out there and I’m wearing Milkbone underwear.” Love it. That’s what I’m going to start telling people when they ask me how my life is.

 

THREE

 

Hot yoga is literally killing me. (Sidenote: I just went to a lunch seminar on why saying “literally” diminishes women’s speaking because it is rare that the word is used correctly. However, in this case, it really is literally killing me.) This 30-day challenge was a terrible idea! I have been every day since January 31, but I’ve missed two days that I have yet to make up. The instructors are starting to know my name, which means that they now correct me in class by name, which is much harder to ignore than “Hey, pink shirt! Lean forward more!” I’ve got a sore left knee and two sore mystery muscles in my posterior. I am not sure that I will make it to the end of the month … but they’re having free smoothies and snacks on the 28^th, so I’ve got to stick it out … right?

FOUR

 

As I have mentioned before, I'm in a Winter Olympics Fantasy League. You would probably say I was a phenom early on in the season, shooting out to an insane lead and having several members of the international press call me for interviews. You may read one glowing article about me here.

 

However, someone seems to have screwed with the results, because I have seen my position plummet from front-runner to tied for tenth place. This is obviously complete BS and I will not stand for it, League President Anna Girard! I blame you for your silly limit on the number of figure skaters a person is allowed on their team. I had both Ashley Wagner and Yulia the Russian skater on my team and both really disappointed me. Kristi Yamaguchi would not have treated me that way.

 

FIVE

 

Speaking of Kristi Yamaguchi, I am sad to report that I have not yet found the letter that Kristi and/or her assistants wrote me back in ’92. I will go ahead and re-post the autographed photo that she sent along with the letter here for all you new readers visiting for the first time:

However, I was able to unearth this letter that Mr. Rogers wrote to me and my brother – apparently in response to some fan mail we wrote him. I was big on fan mail in the 90s, apparently. If you can get past what dorks my brother and I were, I think you will agree that Mr. Rogers was the nicest man in the history of the world and we should all be more like him in our correspondence.

Well, this has been fun! Hope to see you again around these parts. There are some really great posts scheduled for next week, so stay tuned...

A Birthday Tea for Kate

(As if you didn’t know,) Kate Middleton’s birthday is today! Happy birthday to Kate! By the time you read this, I will be en route to Jolly old England for the occasion.

Many news outlets are writing articles wondering what Kate will do on her birthday – apparently she used to spend it on romantic getaways with Willie or partying with Pippa, but the arrival of new Prince George seems likely to put a damper on things this year. Apparently, her plans have not been publicized … until now.

Kate will be spending her birthday in the comfort of her own palace, with just a small party of five – Kate, Wills, Georgie, Me and Mabel. We haven’t made a big deal of our plans because we don’t want the paparazzi to swarm us, but you’ll see pictures in People soon enough. The paparazzi can be so determined sometimes, you know.

To get ready for her first royal tea, Mabel and I practiced and had a little tea party last night.

We’re bringing Kate a nice little basket of Kentucky-themed items … bourbon, a few racehorses, a patch of bluegrass sod, a bucket of KFC, etc. I just know she’s going to love it. I hope all you readers out there have a safe and happy Kate's birthday.

Oh, and by the way, the hedgehog Christmas ornament that I ordered online in the midst of my brief love affair with the hedgie arrived today. Just in time for the holidays. Maybe I’ll give it to Mabel.

Also, were you wanting to order a photo of Mabel with your Christmas money? If so, the file's below. MEOW.

Post-Christmas Boasts

Welcome back, my dearest readers. I hope you had a great Christmas, full of cat naps, gossip mags, and napping cats. Oh, and family time, and most importantly of all, gifts.

I did. After spending Christmas Eve gorging myself on a feast from the land and the sea, I worried that I would not be able to partake in the Christmas Day meals my and Evan's families had in store. Not to worry. I rose above the full stomach and nausea to conquer all of those meals, too.

Before I get to bragging about my Christmas gifts, let me tell you about yet another similarity between Kate and myself (me? I don't even know. It's late. I've spent the last 4 hours creating my new blog header ... please tell me you noticed?). Kate was not allowed to bring sweet Lupe with her to Christmas with the Royals, apparently because the Queen's little corgis are total jerks and would have eaten him alive had he shown up. In a similar snub, my own mother barred Mabel from our family's Christmas celebrations.

Why, you ask?

Like the Queen, my parents have a dog with a bad-itude. Meet Buddy Jr.:

Who, me?

Buddy is not welcoming of guests in his home. He is particularly averse to small children, my brother, and Mabel. The last (and only!) time he was invited into the tudor house, he snuck out of my mom's eyesight and chased Mabel all over the place, causing a serious relapse in anxiety and leading her to move into the bathroom sink temporarily:

If it weren't 12:24 a.m., I would have made a hilarious speech bubble on this photo. Sorry.

Anyhoo, my dear mother refused to let her own grand-cat attend Christmas, which certainly put a damper on things. Like Kate, I am quite fond of my furry child, and I couldn't enjoy the days as much without her on my lap, biting my wrists, etc.

And poor Mabel was forced to stay home, drowning her sorrows under the empty tree.

On a lighter note, I am proud to brag that for Christmas I received a flying pig, permission from Evanshine to buy myself a pet hedgehog*, and my favorite gift of all:

No, your eyes are not deceiving you! My own piece of Royal Wedding Commemorative China!

 

Despite the Queen's my mother's best attempts to spoil my Christmas spirit, it was a wonderful mid-week holiday made even brighter by the fact that approximately everyone I work with took Thursday and Friday off! Now I'd better get to coming up with a list of resolutions before tonight at midnight...

See you next year!

* Technically, I have not received this gift...  Yet. 

Let the Wedding Planning Begin!

It's been reported that Pippa Middleton's boyfriend, Nico, a stockbroker from London, popped the question while the two were on holiday at the beginning of this month! This is great news, both because I'm happy for Pipps, and because this means a few trips to London for wedding showers, hen parties, and the wedding itself are in my future! As you know, Pippa was a bridesmaid in my own wedding earlier this year (standing in for Kate, who was with child and didn't want to risk leaving me high and dry on my wedding day), so I can only assume that I will be getting the request any day now, as she starts to plan her big day.

Me, Pippa and Nico hanging out one night recently. We're the three 

best friends that anyone could have.

You probably remember that Pippa was kind of inconsiderate and wore white to my wedding. I have forgiven her and will wear whatever dress she asks me to wear. Evanshine may not be able to attend as my +1, so I've decided to take Mabel if he can't make it. She, however, hasn't forgiven Pippa and just may wear some wedding-themed attire to Pippa's nuptials.

To get ourselves psyched up for Pippa's big day, and to help Mabel pick out her outfit, Mabel and I had a fully voluntary bridal inspired photoshoot this weekend. We will probably get one of these images blown up on a 20x30 canvas to give Pippa and Nico as a wedding gift. If you'd like to order one for your personal use, leave me a message in the comments section below and I'll send you the high-res version of the image you'd like.

As you can see, Mabel makes a truly radiant bride. You can see the love she has for me and for her future husband clear as day in her eyes.

Does that lace look familiar to you? It was leftover from my Ugly Angel's dress.

And this is where things started to fall apart.

Like any great model, Mabel is a bit temperamental, and when she was done having her picture taken, she was ready to get outta the studio. So this is a very limited set of photos. But instant classics, I think you will agree.

Trendsetting Like Princess Kate

As you all know, my good friend Kate Middleton is a trendsetter. Her latest fashion statement appears to be wearing sheer tights (http://stylenews.peoplestylewatch.com/2013/11/20/kim-kardashian-revealing-sheer-top-kate-middleton-tights/) – to the sheer (haha!) delight of stuffy lady lawyers worldwide. [It’s so confusing when something that was out of style comes back in … did Kate start the trend, or will the people still clinging on to their sheer hosiery claim that THEY started the trend? I guarantee my mother will say that sheer tights were never out of style. Fashion is so confusing.]

Photo from people.com. Ignore Kim. We have nothing in common.

Anyhoo, count this as another chapter in the “Proof that Allison is just the same as Kate” book I’m working on, because I, too, have started a trend: the phrase “Turtle Up!,” which came to me in a dream, is really catching on. 

As proof, please refer to this commercial for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and listen carefully around the 0:02 mark.  Pay no attention to the fact that Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were popular a number of years ago. The fact that you are watching this commercial now and caring about the TMNT (do people call them that?) makes me a trendsetter. After all, sheer tights were probably popular right around the time the turtles first debuted. Also pay no attention to the fact that they are not using the phrase correctly. I'll get in touch with whoever makes these toys and clear that up.

Hat tip to my dear cat-holding brother Ross, who brought this little gem to my attention.

I apologize for the brevity of this post, but I think I’ve said all I need to say. And I’d bet that this is the first time the words “Princess Kate” and “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” have been used in the same blog. Trendsetting is what I do best!



Unsolved Mysteries

I had some photos taken of myself this weekend.

The photos were taken by Evanshine, at my request, to show you, dear readers, a little mystery that has popped up in my life lately.  You might notice that I appear to be missing a large chunk of what used to be my bangs. This is unfortunate for many reasons, including the fact that bangs are located on the front of your face where people tend to look at you in everyday life. 

I first noticed this problem when I was getting my hair cut and Stephanie asked me what happened to my bangs. I didn't really have an answer for her. Since it's Thanksgiving, and I would be thankful for my bangs if I still had all of them, I've put together a list of the most likely suspects so that I can get revenge on them. Because that's what Thanksgiving is all about!

In compiling my list, I considered (1) motive, (2) access and (3) other suspicious circumstances. In no particular order, the top three suspects are:

1. Evanshine. 

In a murder, they always say the first suspect is the spouse. I think it's the same in this situation. If Dear Evanshine would let me post his photos on this blog, you would know that he has recently decided to grow a beard. He would like you to know that this is not because of No Shave November, but because he is original and thought up growing a beard entirely on his own. 

I was looking at his beard the other day and noticed that, while most of the hair on his head is brown, there are a few strands of blonde hair as well. Where they came from, I don't know. Unless they came from my head. He certainly has the access and suspicious circumstances abound. However, I'm not sure what his motive would be, but that's what they always say about a spouse on spouse murder when the investigation is just beginning.

2. Mabel.

If something bad goes down at my house, Mabel is generally at the top of my suspect list. She has the motive, since we have a love-hate relationship and it's always possible that she is in the hate phase. She has the access, too, obviously. And suspicious circumstances?

Definitely. Check out her latest photo. She's been shedding more than ever, lately, but she still seems to have a full head of hair.

3. Wills.

And as much as I hate to suggest it, my dear friend Prince William is my third suspect. He has the motive: I have a much stronger friendship with Kate than he does. Access? I WAS just visiting Apartment 1A in Kensington Palace the other day for Baby G's christening. And suspicious circumstances?

We all know he has been having some...coverage issues with his hair recently. But check out this recent photo of my boy Will. That comb-over looks familiar.

I wish I could give you some closure on this, loyal readers. But, based on my list of suspects, this case is far from closed. I can only hope that, come Thursday, I can be thankful for one more mystery solved.

IF YOU HAVE ANY INFORMATION THAT WOULD BE RELEVANT TO THIS INVESTIGATION, PLEASE LEAVE YOUR CLUES IN THE COMMENTS SECTION. IF YOU DO, I'LL BE THANKFUL FOR YOU THIS HOLIDAY SEASON.

Happy Half-iversary, Dear Evanshine!

Today, Evanshine and I have been married for six months and are halfway to being able to ethically keep all wedding presents that we received! We haven't been doing the best job of remembering each month-iversary, so to make up for that I've created the best half-iversary present ever, posted below. I don't know if you knew it, but the traditional gift for a six-month anniversary is blog posts. Or so I've heard.

In honor of our six month-iversary, I've put together a sampling of some of my favorite wedding photos. Now, it wouldn't be right to give you, dear readers, a full viewing of these pictures, since it isn't yet our full anniversary. In six more months, I hope that Evanshine will be over his blog stage fright and ready to make an appearance, and at that time I shall post the photos in full. At this point, however, as it is only halfway to our first anniversary, I am only able to give you the following, half of which are only halfway untouched by my skilled Photoshop hand. Does that make sense?

To play along at home, dear readers, see if you can tell which half are the real pictures and which half have been tweaked.

By the way, our photographer was Honey Heart Photography here in Lexington, and they were wonderful to work with. We absolutely love the pictures, and have many framed at home sans my personal touch. You'll see in another six months just how great they are :)

The groom and the ring bearer, just shooting some pool before we head to the church. 

 Me and my wonderful bridesmaids! I must say, some of them were a little difficult. Pippa was kind of a B and wore white dress, Miley refused to put on a dress at all, and Fat Amy was so lazy she wouldn't even stand up with the rest of us.

My mom had a blast. Helping me with my bustle was probably her favorite task.

True love.

Just a few of our guests. Princess Kate would have been in the bridal party, but we weren't sure when Georgie was going to arrive so she just sat this one out. Obviously she did a reading, though.

By the way, True Story: Evan really did try to send Pete Rose an invitation. I refused. I had a feeling that if he showed, Evan might pay more attention to him than me...

My brother Ross, not holding any cats.

  

You know you make me wanna SHOUT!

And finally, my favorite part of any wedding: PHOTOBOOTH! 

Guess which one of these was really in the picture? 

As you can at least halfway tell, it was a wonderful night! Happy half-iversary, Evan! Love ya like a husband! Check back in 6 months for the unedited version :)