2014 Hate List: Vol. III

It’s been a while since anything has really gotten my goat – probably because of all the good yoga vibes I’ve been stockpiling. But the more I go to yoga, the more convinced I am that I really hate yoga mats. Here’s why.

2014 Hate List

by Allison Buckley

1. Hedgehogs.

2. Cold temperatures without snow days.

3. Eating and being healthy.

4. ABC being cryptic with what "goes down," so to speak, between the Bachelor and his ladies.

5. Yoga mats.

They are incredibly germy and disgusting. Imagine yourself for a moment in a room heated to 105 and pumped full of 40% humidity. Now imagine that the room is packed chock full of women and men in skimpy clothes. Now imagine that as they start to move into various yoga contortions, these classmates start to sweat profusely, dripping sweat onto their towels, their mats, and the carpeted floor.

Now imagine that you are me, and have been scared of contagious diseases since that time in 1989 that you found your mom’s nursing school textbooks in the basement and looked at pictures of smallpox, and that you remember the MRSA outbreaks in gyms that were all over the news a few years ago.  Do you see how this could be a problem?

Allow me to indulge myself in a little diagramming:

all photos from leisure fitness.com

As you can see from my highly technical illustration, the germs from the yoga room floor make their way onto the bottom of your yoga mat, which you then roll up on itself. The floor germs are then transferred to the top of your mat that you stand on. Remember, folks, that I majored in science creative writing so I have a pretty good understanding of how this all works. I’m convinced I’m going to get MRSA from my new hot yoga obsession. BUMMER. But at least I’ll be in shape to fight off the infection … ?

I don’t know. There is probably an easy solution to this – such as disinfecting the mat, or buying a washable one, or something else smart. But I prefer to wallow in my hate list, so I’ll keep on keeping on.

Speaking of yoga, though, you know what else is gross? When people’s sweat drops directly onto your body when they step over you on your mat. Also, when someone who is taller than his or her yoga mat picks the spot in front of you and his or her giant, calloused feet get on your mat, get too close to your face, or even touch your head while you're trying to relax. I think we can all agree that is not very pleasant. Why am I taking these classes, again?

Namaste, friends.

2014 Hate List, Vol. II

Well, it's been more than three weeks since the first installment of my 2014 Hate List, and if there's one thing I Hate, it's failing to update you on the things that are making me crazy this year. So let me see if I can make it up to you with a better-late-than-never addition.

2014 Hate List

by Allison Buckley

1. Hedgehogs.

2. Cold temperatures without snow days.

3. Eating and being healthy.

4. ABC being cryptic with what "goes down," so to speak, between the Bachelor and his ladies.  I'm sure you watched the controversy live, but let me weigh in on last Monday's drama. Clare, the resident hairstylist whose hair is unfortunately always kind of a mess, paid a 4 am visit to Juan Pablo and asked him to join her for a midnight ocean swim. He did. Amidst very rough waves, the cameras caught them making out with a vengeance. The next day, after Clare made a long and confusing toast to a bunch of things that ended with "and making love!", Juan Pabs took her aside to tell her he hoped that no one knew about what happened the night before, and that he regretted it, that he didn't want his daughter to see him like that, etc. etc. etc. Clare of course burst into tears and said she never meant to disrespect his daughter.

But I, too, am confused. What are they so ashamed about? People.com claims that Clare gave them an interview denying that she and Juan Pablo had sex, but this is the "denial":

Because of your and Juan Pablo's strong reactions, it prompted a lot of speculation that you and Juan Pablo had sex in the ocean. Can you set the record straight?
I don't think that it was made clear by anybody that that's not what happened. That was not my intention going into it. I just wanted to swim in the ocean and check that off my bucket list. I never in my mind was thinking, "This is going to be something raunchy." 

Where exactly is the denial in that answer? I cannot even understand that and I think she was speaking English.

Maybe what happened was that, while Clare and Juan Pablo were making out in the ocean, she got stung by a jellyfish and Juan Pablo had to treat the sting like Joey did to Monica on Friends, and then ABC edited that footage out of the scene. Maybe that's what he's so ashamed for his daughter to see?

As you can see, I'm quite confused. ABC, if you're reading (which I know you are), can you please be very explicit with what happens on the Bachelor? I'm thinking subtitles might be helpful. It's not fair to keep us innocent minds in the dark.

THANKS!

2014 Hate List

Good morning, friends. I assume you're all reading from home because you've taken a personal day to celebrate the arrival, at long last, of Juan-uary. Or perhaps you're home because of record snowfalls and death-defying temperatures. Sadly, we got almost no snow in tropical Lexington, and while the low temperature is predicted to be a balmy -3 degrees, by the time you read this, I will be at work because I have to go to court in the morning and unfortunately the courts are not closed in honor of this cold, cold holiday.

I hate it when other people get snow days and I don't. In fact, I've been feeling so much hate watching the Snow-Go Report that I've decided to start a new regular feature here on the tudor house blog: the 2014 Hate List. I know most people (including myself) have resolved to be nicer, kinder, gentler, and more positive in the year 2014. However, I think we can all understand that there are just some things that you hate no matter how positive you otherwise are. So without further ado, I present to you: my 2014 Hate List! I will be adding something I hate at least weekly, or as often as I find myself hating something. Last week's entry was, of course, hedgehogs. This week I add two: cold temps without snow days and eating and being healthy.

2014 Hate List

by Allison Buckley

1. Hedgehogs.

2. Cold temperatures without snow days. See above. It ain't right.

3. Eating and Being Healthy. This was another of my New Years Resolutions this year, and even though I know it's good for you, I really hate it. I made cabbage soup last week in an attempt to eat healthier, and it was gross. I added chicken to it so that I could think of it as a real meal, and it was still gross. Then I had tons of leftover chicken so I made chicken salad for dinner the next night. The salad was better, but still not quite as tasty as a delicious pizza or a Cinnabon. Scientists, please quit looking into rockets, spaceships and delivery drones and focus your attentions on a pizza that tastes just like real pizza but is actually made of carrots and green beans. And while you're at it, a puppy that always looks like a puppy but has the maturity of a full-grown dog. Is that too much to ask?

And then I made the mistake of going to my first ever Pilates class! I hated this too! First, my yoga mat has been rolled up in the basement so long that it spent the whole class rolling up and hitting me on the head whenever I tried to lay down. Then, the class was supposed to be only one hour, but I'm pretty sure it was about 5 hours long. And, it was so hard! The pictures of people on Pilates DVDs are quite misleading - they look so cool and calm and collected, but they don't tell you that your legs will be spasming uncontrollably by the end of an hour of trying to hold them in the air at hip height. But I will go back next week ... ugh!

As much as all of this is true, don't worry too much about me, loyal readers. I fully plan to order several pizzas and make a giant bowl of popcorn to celebrate the return of Juan Pablo tonight...and if all my co-watchers are unable to attend because of bad weather, I guess I'll just have to eat all of it myself.