#tbt: From the Desk of Allison L. Grogan, age 6

Last night, I finished The Goldfinch, a Pulitzer Prize-winning, nearly-800 page novel. It was great: nearly as well-written as most of what's on this blog. Naturally, I immediately picked up a new summer read: School Days: A File System to Retain Records and Memories, Preschool Through Grade Six. It's basically a compilation of all the monthly update blog posts my mom surely would have written as I grew up had the Internet and blogging in general been invented at that time. I highly recommend you add it to your Amazon.com wish list immediately.

Aaaaaanyway, this #tbt is brought to you straight from the desk of this little lady:

At this point, I was in first grade, where I was "not interested in participating on sports teams," but "loved dolls," according to my mom's excellent notes. That year, I got straight As and, along with my BFFs, performed a skit called "The Peach" at our school talent show. I was "learning to tell time" and "getting to be a great reader. (Nerd Alert). I also got a haircut and won three ribbons -- one blue, one white, and one green -- at OOVOTO ("Our Own Version Of The Olympics") Day at school, though my mom didn't write down which events I dominated.

Apparently the best thing my mom could think of to write under "Special Memories" was this: 

Allison brought Mom an old newspaper from school (when the teacher was cleaning out shelves) because I recycle papers. 

It's clear that I was just as thoughtful then as I am now.

I was also blossoming into quite the artist -- 

I'm pretty sure that's a picture of Molly holding an American Flag and standing next to a giant lollipop. This was published in the local paper. No big deal.

I also had quite the sense of style, knowing just when to use a cute denim scrunchie and barrette to liven up a side pony.

But most importantly of all, I was an activist. I didn't mind telling people what I thought, especially when I could do so by letter. 

 Exhibit A

I'm pretty sure I had some help in coming up with the subject of this letter (ahem, Dad), but if that's true he could have given me a little more help with punctuation and editing for redundancy. I do think the last line was pretty effective, though. It's always good to end a piece of persuasive writing with a reminder to the reader that you'd like them to do what you just said. 

And for this little glimpse into the mind of Allison L. Grogan, age 6, and that bit of writing advice -- you're welcome!

Happy Father's Day!

You already know that my mom is an expert at taking awkward photos. What you may not have known is that the reason my parents are still happy together after thirty-one years is that my dad is equally photogenic.

In these waning hours of Father's Day, I present you with this tribute to my dear old Dad. It's pretty obvious that he has been dying to be featured on my blog, and I've been holding out on him just to make his Father's Day that much sweeter. Dad -- it's your time to shine!

My dad has taught me many things over the years, and because it's Father's Day and I'm feeling generous, I'm going to share a few of these lessons with you.

He taught me that you can never be too careful to avoid germs:

 and how to be tough:

Dads of Anarchy

He taught me that practice makes perfect:

"Let's see…this is how I'm going to clap when Allie walks across the stage."

 and how to get a great shot:

 He taught me to always stop and smell the roses:

and how to be a great tourist:

"Hands free is the key. Strap every tourist item to your belt so you're ready for anything."

and never to miss a chance to try new foods:

PO BOY

BEIGNET

BROWNIE DELIGHT, DON'T MIND IF I DO.

TINY COKE

GIRLY DRINK

 He taught me the art of a great selfie,

a great swing,

a great catch,

"This is how you reel it in…"

and a graceful pose.

He taught me to always have a song in my heart

OLE, OLE OLE OLE!

 and to be ready to take a nap.

 He taught me to cook great foods

and to always carry an umbrella just in case.

He showed me how to strike a pose

and how to smize.

It's pretty obvious where I got my great sense of style.

Vintage is so in right now.

Gilligan knew how to pick a hat.

If you're wearing the same thing as the oldest person in the room, you're doing something right.

He taught me how to be confident in myself

Photo Booth for one, please.

and perhaps most importantly, how to cheer for the CATS.

OK, I just put this one in so we could all think back on #8.

Dad, IF you're reading my blog -- you're the best. Thanks for all the life lessons and I look forward to many more!

HOW TOesday: Alienate Your Daughter

Here I am again, back to give you more useful insights into life. If you're anything like my mom, you are printing off these HOW TOesday posts and storing them in a folder marked "Important" or "Useful Tips." Thanks for that.

Anyway, tonight as friends were arriving to watch a double-header of the Bachelorette, we noticed someone has been pranking me on my own anniversary typewriter:

Say what?

You may notice a "mom was here!" in the bottom corner of the page. Naturally, my top suspect at first was my mom. I have since confirmed, however, that the culprit was my father, a full-grown man and my own flesh and blood.

So today I am filing paperwork to legally emancipate myself from my father, a la Drew Barrymore. Accordingly, I am up for adoption. Applicants with a spare trust fund or vacation homes in Maine, Park City, or the South of France will be preferred. You can apply by becoming an f-ing follower of my blog! (I still only have two...which seems impossible given the useful and interesting content.)

To my Momma, on Mother's Day

My belly is full and the kitchen is cleaned up after my brother and Evan and I hosted what will probably go down in history as the best Mother's Day brunch of all time. I have found myself sitting on the patio looking through iPhoto just to remind myself how beautiful as I am, as I usually do on Sunday afternoons (just kidding) (or am I?). 

However, in my quest for beautiful photos of myself, I accidentally came across this photo from a few years ago -- 

-- and was reminded that I am incredibly awkward. (But great at fishing and zipping jackets all the way up, huh? Check out my enormous catch! Never mind that our fishing guide had to get it off the hook for me because it was gross.) However, in the true spirit of Mother's Day, I decided that this is entirely my mother's fault.

We have a little family tradition where we bring framed awkward photos of my mom to our family Christmas gift exchange. (When I type it out, it seems strange… do any of your families do this, dear readers?) These photos always are the hot ticket item in our White Elephant exchange -- for good reason. My mom is the queen of the awkward photo. In honor of Mother's Day, I've decided to share with you the Top 20 (sorry, I just couldn't stop at 10. There were too many.) awkward photos of my wonderful mother. In no particular order …

It all started at a young age. I have no idea who the tiny woman or tiny poodle in this photo are, but check out my mom's stance, knee socks, and romper. She's wondering, "I wonder if I step off the porch, will we be the same height?" 

These two dresses were worn to actual high school dances by my mother, an actual high school student, and sewn by my grandmother. I am told they were very stylish at this point in time. In both of the above photos, my mom is thinking, "I am a babe." And she was right. 

We were on vacation having bloody marys by the ocean, and my mom was cold. She is thinking, "I wish I had driven my car so I could use the towels I use as floor mats as a blanket."

 

"Pleeeease, can I spell 'cotton' with an I?"

"Someone blow on that wind chime to accompany me as I sing you this song whilst holding this pink flower. Good thing I did my vocal exercises this morning."

"WHY did I get a spray tan? How long will it take my hands to go from orange back to skin-colored?"

"Love that tequila burn."

"The best Christmas gift I've ever gotten. Can't wait to get some reps in the backyard tonight."

"Is this out of style? Found it in my closet."

"Let's measure this house and buy some furniture!" (Thanks for helping me get my house in order, Mom!)

"Shoot. Did I forget one of my pieces of Christmas flare?"

"This electric slide is not as hard as I thought it was going to be. Is it bad form to be the BEST DANCER AT THE WEDDING?"

"These are my two best friends! I like to pick short friends so that I can dominate them!"

(No, seriously. That's a direct quote from my mom at her 30th anniversary party.)

"I'm too fast for your camera."

"I LOVE RIDING 4-WHEELERS! This helmet brings out the blue in my eyes!"

"Bet you didn't see me behind you. My safari hat helps me blend in."

"Daggone. No reception up here. Time to go home."

"God, I love to dance." 

"This pose looked so much less awkward on Pinterest…"

And that'll do it! In addition to being the most awkward, my mom is also the most wonderful mom out there. Happy Mother's Day!