Coronation Day

Do I sound a little more regal blogging to you today?

If so, it’s likely because as of this morning, I have been crowned Bonanza (TM) Queen. As you know, Evan is the Bonanza (TM) King, the firm but sometimes fair ruler of the Bonanza, his 15-year old March Madness pool/complete obsession from February through April. As you may also know, I believe I should be crowned Bonanza (TM) Queen by the fact of my marriage to Evan alone.

from http://katemiddletonforthewin.tumblr.com/, which

you really need to start reading if you don't already.

 

However, he disagreed, and instead lay down the law that, to be crowned Bonanza (TM) Queen and thus entitled to list that title on each of my brackets, I had to recruit 25 new brackets into the pool to show my dedication.

 

 

seriously, check it out.

 http://katemiddletonforthewin.tumblr.com/

 

And that is why you haven’t heard much from me lately: I’ve been pounding the pavement nonstop to rustle up some new bracketologists. And as of this morning, I recruited 37 undisputed new brackets, as well as 23 more that the King probably won’t let me count, but should count towards my total. (My own dad and brother, for instance? I guarantee they wouldn’t be in the Bonanza without me. But they’ve been in it before (you’re welcome), so Evan says they aren’t “mine.”)

 

Ahh, doesn’t it look nice? I’m almost guaranteed to win this year.

Or maybe I’ve already won. I AM a queen, after all.

Let’s see, what else have I been up to since we’ve last spoken? Well, I got a splinter that I never could get out of my finger and my body seems to have just swallowed it up. I bid adieu to Juan Pablo, who I no longer love from afar (what a jerk!), and I counted the days on my calendar till the Bachelorette premieres in May (60 days as of right now). I was on national (umm…maybe just local) television at the KET telethon. You probably were watching Yoga for Balance and saw me during commercials. I held TWO adorable new babies and didn’t hurt either one of them. I baked a layer cake and it didn't collapse.

… hmm.  Other than the new babies (which obviously I didn’t even birth), not a whole lot of noteworthy stuff. But the weather is improving, my craft juices are flowing again, and it could possibly be a really great time to be a follower of the tudor house blog. Not to mention, there’s a Queen’s Corner trophy to award in the next couple of weeks. Get ready, it’s going to be a REALLY exciting time!

2014 Hate List, Vol. II

Well, it's been more than three weeks since the first installment of my 2014 Hate List, and if there's one thing I Hate, it's failing to update you on the things that are making me crazy this year. So let me see if I can make it up to you with a better-late-than-never addition.

2014 Hate List

by Allison Buckley

1. Hedgehogs.

2. Cold temperatures without snow days.

3. Eating and being healthy.

4. ABC being cryptic with what "goes down," so to speak, between the Bachelor and his ladies.  I'm sure you watched the controversy live, but let me weigh in on last Monday's drama. Clare, the resident hairstylist whose hair is unfortunately always kind of a mess, paid a 4 am visit to Juan Pablo and asked him to join her for a midnight ocean swim. He did. Amidst very rough waves, the cameras caught them making out with a vengeance. The next day, after Clare made a long and confusing toast to a bunch of things that ended with "and making love!", Juan Pabs took her aside to tell her he hoped that no one knew about what happened the night before, and that he regretted it, that he didn't want his daughter to see him like that, etc. etc. etc. Clare of course burst into tears and said she never meant to disrespect his daughter.

But I, too, am confused. What are they so ashamed about? People.com claims that Clare gave them an interview denying that she and Juan Pablo had sex, but this is the "denial":

Because of your and Juan Pablo's strong reactions, it prompted a lot of speculation that you and Juan Pablo had sex in the ocean. Can you set the record straight?
I don't think that it was made clear by anybody that that's not what happened. That was not my intention going into it. I just wanted to swim in the ocean and check that off my bucket list. I never in my mind was thinking, "This is going to be something raunchy." 

Where exactly is the denial in that answer? I cannot even understand that and I think she was speaking English.

Maybe what happened was that, while Clare and Juan Pablo were making out in the ocean, she got stung by a jellyfish and Juan Pablo had to treat the sting like Joey did to Monica on Friends, and then ABC edited that footage out of the scene. Maybe that's what he's so ashamed for his daughter to see?

As you can see, I'm quite confused. ABC, if you're reading (which I know you are), can you please be very explicit with what happens on the Bachelor? I'm thinking subtitles might be helpful. It's not fair to keep us innocent minds in the dark.

THANKS!

2014 Hate List

Good morning, friends. I assume you're all reading from home because you've taken a personal day to celebrate the arrival, at long last, of Juan-uary. Or perhaps you're home because of record snowfalls and death-defying temperatures. Sadly, we got almost no snow in tropical Lexington, and while the low temperature is predicted to be a balmy -3 degrees, by the time you read this, I will be at work because I have to go to court in the morning and unfortunately the courts are not closed in honor of this cold, cold holiday.

I hate it when other people get snow days and I don't. In fact, I've been feeling so much hate watching the Snow-Go Report that I've decided to start a new regular feature here on the tudor house blog: the 2014 Hate List. I know most people (including myself) have resolved to be nicer, kinder, gentler, and more positive in the year 2014. However, I think we can all understand that there are just some things that you hate no matter how positive you otherwise are. So without further ado, I present to you: my 2014 Hate List! I will be adding something I hate at least weekly, or as often as I find myself hating something. Last week's entry was, of course, hedgehogs. This week I add two: cold temps without snow days and eating and being healthy.

2014 Hate List

by Allison Buckley

1. Hedgehogs.

2. Cold temperatures without snow days. See above. It ain't right.

3. Eating and Being Healthy. This was another of my New Years Resolutions this year, and even though I know it's good for you, I really hate it. I made cabbage soup last week in an attempt to eat healthier, and it was gross. I added chicken to it so that I could think of it as a real meal, and it was still gross. Then I had tons of leftover chicken so I made chicken salad for dinner the next night. The salad was better, but still not quite as tasty as a delicious pizza or a Cinnabon. Scientists, please quit looking into rockets, spaceships and delivery drones and focus your attentions on a pizza that tastes just like real pizza but is actually made of carrots and green beans. And while you're at it, a puppy that always looks like a puppy but has the maturity of a full-grown dog. Is that too much to ask?

And then I made the mistake of going to my first ever Pilates class! I hated this too! First, my yoga mat has been rolled up in the basement so long that it spent the whole class rolling up and hitting me on the head whenever I tried to lay down. Then, the class was supposed to be only one hour, but I'm pretty sure it was about 5 hours long. And, it was so hard! The pictures of people on Pilates DVDs are quite misleading - they look so cool and calm and collected, but they don't tell you that your legs will be spasming uncontrollably by the end of an hour of trying to hold them in the air at hip height. But I will go back next week ... ugh!

As much as all of this is true, don't worry too much about me, loyal readers. I fully plan to order several pizzas and make a giant bowl of popcorn to celebrate the return of Juan Pablo tonight...and if all my co-watchers are unable to attend because of bad weather, I guess I'll just have to eat all of it myself.

How Many Days Till Juan-uary?

I was recently told by a co-worker that Juan-uary is upon us! I would love it if we could just skip the Christmas season and jump right into the thick of the new season of the Bachelor, you know? It's going to be that good. I'm sure you've heard, but ABC has kindly posted the bios of the 25 lucky senoritas that get to compete. And no, surprisingly, ABC is not paying me for the many Juan Pablo-themed posts I am sure to write between now and the Most Dramatic Rose Ceremony Ever. Though if you want to, ABC, please get in touch with my agent. Gracias.

Anyway, in order to get you pumped up, I would like to share with you Juan-Go, the patented game that I have developed which will allow you to pick a favorite bachelorette and then beat all of your friends in friendly competition from week to week. De nada.

The Rules:

1.  Print off your Juan-Go card from my website. It took me approximately 4 hours to develop this card, figure out how to save it as an image, and upload it to zee blog. So unfortunately, you get this freebie but you'll have to develop the rest of your cards yourself.

Please note that instead of a free space, there is a "Not Here for the Right Reasons" space. I think it's pretty much the same thing.

2.  Select your favorite contestant. See the link above for more information. I suggest you study the bios, which are hilarious.

3. Press play on the DVR. Each time your bachelorette does one of the things on the card, draw a heart on that square and/or take a long swig of wine or your other alcoholic beverage of choice. If you are pregnant, you may think you need to skip this step, but I've heard that binge drinking is okay for babies,* so go ahead and play.

*Technically, I haven't heard this from a reputable source. Expectant mothers and DDs may want to substitute sparkling grape juice.

4. Whoever gets a Juan-Go first wins and/or is feeling pretty good from all of the drinking. Congrats!

So now, you're probably wondering how to go about picking your contestant of choice. Well, don't worry, because I have a couple of suggestions for you! I have studied all of the girls' bios and my patented Juan-Go cards, and I have a few suggestions:

1.  Amy L

Picking Amy L pretty much guarantees you a Juan-Go. Amy hails from Florida, says that her favorite television show is Modern Family, looks like Gloria from that show, and has not one, but two ragdoll cats, whatever those are. As long as they're cats, I don't really care. Her favorite author, she says, is Dr. Seuss. Based on this, I predict that Amy either speaks Spanish or thinks she speaks Spanish. It is likely that she will have cat hair on her dress due to all the cats she keeps at her house, and she'll probably have written a Dr. Seuss-inspired poem to win Juan Pablo over. Check the Juan-Go card. You're guaranteed victory.

2. Lucy

Lucy is also going to be a solid contestant this year. Lucy claims that her occupation is "free spirit." That is awesome work if you can get it. I am not sure how well it pays, though. She also says she admires her "best friend Kate Upton" for her thick skin. I wonder if she's "best friends" with Kate Upton like I am with Kate Middleton? (In other words, in real life). She also says "I like to be the center of attention because I deserve to be." She is going to be awesome, and I predict a Juan-Go straight across the middle of the board.

3.  Victoria

And my final pick is Victoria, the legal assistant from Brazil. This seems extremely unfair to me to let a native Spanish speaker compete against all these poor English speakers. It's kind of like when one of my fellow Spanish majors in college was a native Spanish speaker. But I predict Victoria will go far solely because of her answer to the question, "What is the most romantic gift you have ever received, and why?" was "A kitten, because I love cats." Fellow cat lady, I am on your team!

Anyway, please feel free to contact me with your questions about how to play Juan-Go. Or you could contact Lucy, since she says that the most outrageous thing she's ever done is to organize a fully nude 50 person beach party in Mexico. Sounds like she has some serious organizational skillz.

Strategy Session

The Bachelor returns to ABC after a way-too-long hiatus on January 6, 2014, a mere 56 days from today. Juan Pablo is this season's Bachelor and based on his awesome accent, poor command of the English language, and adorable daughter who will surely feature prominently, this season is sure to be a great one.

It will not surprise you that I'm considering trying out as a contestant. Evanshine is okay with this, I think. I haven't actually asked him but he's never been one to stand in the way of my dreams.

Anyway, I thought I'd just share with you my top five strategies to snag me a Juan Pabs. (If I don't end up making the cut for casting, feel free to use these strategies. I've always been one to share my genius.)

1. Have a schtick. Every season there are one or two people who wear, bring or do something ridiculous to get the Bachelor or Bachelorette's attention. Memorable examples include: one bachelor wore a mask and wouldn't let the Bachelorette see his face till they fell in love (they didn't); one didn't wear a shirt (this guy went surprisingly far); one came wearing a full suit of armor (this guy got hot in his constume and I think eventually gave it up).

Obviously, my thing would be to be the cat lady of the group by bringing sweet, sweet Mabel along. All guys want girls that are animal people, and dogs are SO 2012. Cats is purses are so in right now. I would of course dress her up in an adorable dress so that she fit in with the other contestants.

For example:

2. Speak only in Spanish. I majored in Spanish in college, spent a semester in Spain, and remember almost none of it. (Sorry, Mom and Dad!) But I know enough words to string together to sound like a real Spaniard - at least to anyone that doesn't speak Spanish at all.

Side note: When I studied abroad, I had some seriously embarrassing faux pas (what's Spanish for faux pas? See? I don't even know.) with the language. The one that sticks out happened in a McDonald's. Our group of American students had gotten a lesson early on in the difference between cono (cone, as in ice cream cone) and coño (as in a slang term for a female body part. Not acceptable in everyday conversation.) I, of course, went to McDonald's, where I forgot that lesson immediately and ordered dos coños de helado - what I thought was two ice cream cones. Nope. Everyone started laughing at me. The girl at the register yelled back to the guys making french fries...and I ran. Never even got my two ice cream cones. So me speaking only in Spanish would provide some momentos exelentes y romanticos. Or something.

I think JP will be honored by my attempt to speak his native tongue. Juan Pablo, ¡Escógeme a mí! (Pick me?)

3. Try to remind Juan Pablo of his daughter. Juan Pablo really loves his little girl. In fact, even when I searched for photos of Juan Pablo with Desiree, most of the pictures I found were of him and his daughter. This tells me that he loves his little girl, and if I could subconsciously make him think of her, maybe he'd love me too.

Yep, I photoshopped that myself. Try not to be amazed at my many skills. I'm placing an order for pink hairbows as we speak.

4. Bring my own snacks. They seem to hand out plenty of free drinks on the Bachelor, but from what I can tell (based on the many drunken fools who drank on an empty stomach in the first episode), no snacks are provided. I do my best when eating - otherwise, I have been known to get "hangry." I'll fill my pockets and purse (and maybe Mabel's pockets, too, if she has any) with food to beat the Bachelor producers at their own game.

5. Tell everyone that I'm married. Bachelor contestants are a backstabbing, gossipy bunch, so if I told them I'm married, they'll all tell each other how I'm not there for the right reasons, and then word will eventually get out to the producers, who will fly Evanshine to the set for a showdown. It will be dramatic and I'll be on the cover of People and Us Weekly (achieving a lifelong goal). I'll go down in Bachelor history, which is more than most contestants can say. And, joke's on you, producers -- Evanshine and I will be in a foreign city for free! I really can't go wrong with this plan.

I'm pretty sure that if I just follow my strategy, I'll end up living the dream:

Blogging in bed with Juan Pablo.

P.S. This is Post No. 4. Blog Goal No. 1: ACHIEVED. Dreams do come true, boys and girls.