HOW TOesday: Birdy-Themed Sip & See

If you haven't been counting along at home, this is my forty-first post. The traditional gift to readers in honor of the forty-first post is to introduce a Regular Column. Well, just call me Ann Landers, because this is HOW TOesday. Punny, I know. This week? A lesson on how to create the most perfect, birdy-themed Sip and See in the history of the world. It's okay for me to brag because I was only a co-host of this marvelous shower, so all the great ideas and decorations came from my co-hosts, and all the mistakes (including forgetting the invitation that we intended to frame at home) came from me. Here we go!

Now, just call me Prissy, because I don't know nothin' bout birthin' no babies. So the first step is to pick friends upon whom you can rely to have some cute ones. Seven ago, I picked out my friend Meghan for this very reason. You may remember Meghan from giving birth to my favorite three-and-a-half-year-old, Hadley. Well, she has been at it again, this time naming the little one …

In this case, Meghan had already birthed her baby, so we threw a "sip and see" where we sipped champagne and saw the baby. I highly recommend this option, because even the mommy got to have some champagne.

Step Two: If you find yourself surrounded by friends giving birth, may I suggest investing in some Martha Stewart paper punching tools. I found the one used to make the above banner at Michael's and used a 50% off coupon, so I truly couldn't afford not to buy it. That's what I told Evan, anyway. I don't think he was listening.

Step Three: Pick a theme and stick to it. We chose to put a bird on it, because birdies are adorable. 

Please note the bird cages and birdies holding up the tassel banner. I'm sure all of our guests immediately recognized the theme for the party. If you want to have a tassel banner without spending enough money on etsy to buy your own baby on the black market, consider this tutorial that I found on Pinterest. I guarantee that the process is both easy and really fun for cats to watch/assist.

Step Four: Whip up some delicious food and drink, but only if everything on the menu is the same color. Try not to stress out too much when the cute paper straws you find do not match the shade of the ribbons you use to tie around the mason jar cups, and when the yellow of the lemonade mix does not precisely match the yellow paper flags you tape on the straws. [Courtney!] Life will probably go on.

photo credit: Anna "Girard" Liebowitz

I really wish I could take credit for these cookies. It blows my mind that Anna's friend made these by hand. Tune in next HOW TOesday to read Anna's guest post on how to find a friend with such skills.

See instructions for this tasty treat below, found on Pinterest in the dreaded photo with no instructions. Keep in mind that Rice Krispie Treats are incredibly lazy when they get to room temperature and will not necessarily stand up straight for the entire party. But they do look cute for a quick photo op.

Please take a moment to appreciate the fact that my co-host Courtney (co-winner of the inaugural Queen's Cup, in case you forgot) was able to function given the varying shades of pink and yellow seen above. We weren't sure that she'd come out alive.

Finally, Step Five: Sip your champagne and see that precious baby!

photo credit: Anna "Girard" Liebowitz

 

These two brides-babies (Babies of my bridesmaids? Is that a thing?) were born three days apart. I like to believe that my wedding inspired their birth. That's Max Jr. on the left and Ava on the right. As you can see by Max trying to play coy, they are already madly in love and all the readers of my blog will be invited to their wedding sometime in 2039. Right, Meghan? It's okay, I think there are only about 5.

Well, now that I write this post and share all these pictures, I am starting to think the point of this post was not, in fact, to teach you how to do anything but to show off these pretty pictures. Thanks for sticking with me. In exchange for your attention, I'd like to share my best tips for Rice Krispies on a Stick:

First, make a DOUBLE BATCH of Rice Krispies. I only made a single batch and ended up with odd-shaped rectangles that did not hold up to sitting on display. You can choose to add a few drops of red food coloring to the marshmallow mix as you heat it up if you'd like to double up on your pink. I was terrified that Courtney would murder me if I brought too many different shades to the party, plus Evan lost all of our food coloring after he insisted on dying our chili con queso green at his family's St. Patrick's Day party, so I restrained myself.

I'm sure you know how to make Rice Krispies, but in case you're like me and your mother would only make the healthy version with peanut butter instead of marshmallows when you were little, here's the quick how-to:

Gather your ingredients/supplies: 

8 T butter

20 oz mini-marshmallows

2 t vanilla

12 C rice krispies

1 package melting candy (I got it at Michael's)

1 package cake ball sticks

1 spool tiny pink ribbon

Heat the butter and marshmallows over low heat in a large saucepan. Keep your phone nearby so you can browse Facebook while the stuff melts, because it takes forever. Remove from heat, add vanilla, and then stir in the cereal. Press into a greased 9x13 baking pan. This will seem very full, but that's a good thing. Also a good thing are straight edges, so if you have some kind of boxy baking pan, use that instead of one with curvy edges. Let your treats cool.

This is where it gets tricky. NOT. (Don't see a lot of "NOT" these days, do you?) Cut the treats into squares - about as wide as the pan is deep. Stick a cake stick into each. Melt the candy, dip each treat in and set it on wax paper to cool. After they're cool, tie a tiny bow on each stick, line them up on a cute platter, and sit back and let people think this process was really hard.

I'll be back next HOW TOesday with tips on something new. Stay tuned.

Creative Baby Shower Gifts

I went to my first baby shower of the season on Saturday, and I must say I’m pretty excited for what promises to be a great crop of wee little babes this year. I have already held two tiny adorable boys, both of whom are SO CUTE and neither of whom suffered any injuries after being held by me. I have a fear of weak baby necks that I’m working on overcoming. One baby is expected in March directly across the street from me (in other words, in prime snuggling position, plus maybe the parents will need a break sometime and drop him off over here? Mabel loves babies.) and one more expected around the same time a short 15 minute drive away. PLUS, two of my sorority sisters just announced that they are pregnant with their second children! This is truly going to be a banner year for babies that I am allowed to visit and hold.

(I hate to take all the credit, but I’m pretty sure my wedding inspired a lot of these births. Both of my in-town friends that are pregnant were my bridesmaids, and one of Evanshine’s groomsmen just had a baby last month. Also, both sorority sisters mentioned above were at my wedding. Coincidence? I think not. You’re welcome, friends!)

BUT with great babies come great responsibilities – in baby shower gifts. So let me give you a few helpful hints when you are buying baby gifts. File this post under “Pinterest wins,” because I’m pretty sure this excellent advice will go viral instantly.

Without further ado, the best baby shower gift ideas I’ve managed to think up:

1. Mason jars full of coins.

Because paper savings bonds are no longer available (bah humbug!), kids these days just aren’t getting instant savings accounts anymore. Plus, everyone knows that mason jars are the trendiest vehicle for a gift – just check on Pinterest!

No, for real. Let me digress for just one moment. These are real-life screen shots of creative mason jars ideas that I found on Pinterest. Please, someone explain to me how these are good ideas:

Slap a few pieces of lace, burlap and/or twine on that baby and you’ve got yourself the gift to end all gifts. And you know that those new parents will be thrilled to have to keep track of several heavy jars full of coins for ten years or so before the child needs any spending money. Much more practical than a baby carrier or that stroller they’ve been eyeing.

Ta-da! Best gift award, guaranteed.

2. Kittens!

Everyone know that the only thing cuter than a new baby is a new baby wrapped in kitten! Stories of kittens smothering babies in their sleep are totally overblown, and you’ll provide your friend’s baby with a special bond that will last approximately 20 years if they keep the cat indoors, and a little less if it’s an outside pet. Bonus: the new parents can use their runner-up baby names for the kitten. Truly a win-win.

Bonus #2: for the right price, Mabel may be available for this use. Leave your best offer in the comments section of this post.

3. Puppies!

The problem with kittens is they don’t require enough care. Puppies, on the other hand, will need to be housebroken, taught not to chew, taught to sit, shake and roll over, etc. etc. According to this article I read on Facebook, where I get most of my news, the idea that new moms get nothing done is an untruth.  Okay, technically I didn’t read the article, but the title seems to suggest that is the case. If it’s true that new moms don’t get anything done, that means they are probably bored and would like a puppy to play with and train. And please, tell me a cuter baby shower gift than a puppy with a bow around its neck? There isn’t one, unless you could fit that puppy in a mason jar. And monogram the mason jar. Bonus points if you get a dog that may turn out to be vicious, like a pit bull. This will give the new mom the chance to prove to all her friends what a great dog trainer she is when the puppy turns out to be a sweetheart.

Somehow I decided against each of these excellent gift ideas. Instead, I made this little monogrammed wall hanging thing (I need to think of a better name for this, perhaps). Look how cute! Almost makes me want to have a baby so I have an excuse to make one for myself … but then I remember how much fun it is to drink wine on the patio in the summertime and leave trash all over the house, and I reconsider.

Warning: Don’t try making these at home. Here are the things that happened to me whilst staining the wood for this project:

• Forgot to wear rubber gloves; got a little bit of stain on my hands. Bummer.
• Tried to wash out my brush under the sink by using my hands, still with no rubber gloves. Got a LOT more stain on my hands and eventually threw away the brush, which was expensive.
• Knocked over my ironing board, which had some clean shirts to iron, causing said shirts to fall onto the still-wet stained wood. Miraculously, only one shirt was injured. Too bad it was my favorite shirt.
• Had to yell for help from Evanshine, who brought me nail polish remover, hydrogen peroxide, and dish soap. Surprisingly, the dish soap worked best when used with a clean rag. The other chemicals smelled bad and did not work and the scrub brushes I used were painful.

But my hands are no longer brown and it was tooootally worth it. Just don’t try to make it at home. You may be able to purchase it for American cash money soon in my etsy shop, which I’m still working on. Stay tuned. All proceeds from my shop will go to buying myself more Kate Middleton memorabilia, and perhaps a new kitten. All this kitty talk has made me want one.

The Year of the Ugly Angel

I searched high and low (okay, at one Marshall’s and one T.J. Maxx…but with the insane amount of holiday traffic in this town, it felt like I went high and low) for a beautiful angel for our Christmas tree this year and did not find any that were quite up to my high standards. After one too many trips to cute little boutiques where they sell adorable handmade stuff, and after about ten too many perusals of Pinterest, I convinced myself that I could make a better angel than the stores – and at a better price! Being the fru-gal that I am, I immediately started scheming. 

The obvious medium for the angel’s head? Paper mache. (I’m not French, so I did not call it papier machée, thank you). I knew I’d need to make the head easily attach-able to the angel’s body, so I used a wire coat hanger. (Side note: This was right after I threw away all of the wire hangers in my house in a fit of rage and replaced them with fuzzy hangers bought with wedding gift cards at Bed Bath and Beyond. So I had to push back my start date till we got a batch of shirts back from the drycleaner.)

The first stage was…frightening at best:

Never fear, I told myself, I will make her much more beautiful. NBD. So I took a little trip to Michael’s, where I spent $8.50 on paints and a paintbrush for her pretty little head and another $4 on assorted fake feathers for her pretty little wings. Please get out your calculators and let’s keep track of how many hard earned dollars I spent on this cheap and easy project.

Came home, slapped on another layer of paper towels (uh, hello, who gets the newspaper anymore?). Let her dry. She now looked like a horror movie character suffocating under a wet blanket. So I got out my paints to try and cover that up.

This was probably the best she ever looked.

Next, I took a little trip to my local fabric store, where I purchased felt, silk, lace, gold sequined ric-rack, tiny fake pearls. None of my coupons worked, so this cost me another $24. Plus I got a free bunch of coupons to use next week when I will hopefully not be sewing anything else. Totally worth it.  I then returned to Michael’s in search of doll hair, which you’d think would be readily available but is not.

After gathering my strength for a few days, I set out to Hobby Lobby, which is only about 20 minutes away – but lies on the dreaded Other Side of the Mall.  So I spent approximately 45 minutes inching my way through mall traffic one sleety Saturday. Upon arriving at Hobby Lobby, I quickly dropped another $8 on a piece of poster board and a packet of creepy doll hair. A fun 45 more minutes followed in which I sang all the way through my new a cappella Christmas CD twice. 

At home, the real fun began. I started to assemble my little lady:

For those of you keeping track at home, I have now spent $44.50 on materials for my new friend. And this is what those $44 bought:

So far, I’ve received the following compliments on my talents:
 - “Oh!  She’s kind of…creepy.”
 - “She looks kind of young for an angel.”
 - “Yeah, she sort of looks like RuPaul.”

Sad, but true.

Evan tells me that, after spending so much time and money on this masterpiece, I have to spend at least this year with her atop our tree. He’s so domineering. So that, children, is how this came to be the Year of the Ugly Angel.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Turtle Up!

It's that time of year when the weather cools off and people refill their propane tanks in hopes of lighting a fire, tuning into some Hallmark Christmas Classics, and turtling up in front of the glow of the television. You know?

Oh wait. You aren't familiar with the term "turtle up"?  Allow me to enlighten you...

I have been having some weird dreams lately. Being the hypochondriac scientist that I am, I immediately turned to the Internet to understand why this is happening to me. According to my research, I am not alone. According to the very reliable website www.psychicsuniverse.com, in fact, many of us are experiencing vivid dreams: "As we move into the Age of Aquarius we are experiencing new spiritual energies of a higher frequency. Our minds, bodies and sprits are adjusting to these new vibrations and vivid dreams are just one possible indication. The veils are thinning and dreams serve as a bridge between our earthly lives and our new expanding consciousness." So I'm fairly sure that my vivid dreams are an indication that I am a psychic. As soon as I get my palm-reading business up and running, I'll post a link so you can schedule your session. Discounts for Tudor House Blog followers!

But I digress. You didn't come here to know why people dream; you want to know what it means to turtle up. 

In my dream, I was in prison. My good friend Tastee from Orange is the New Black was with me. We were staring at two other inmates lying in their cots, but these other girls didn't have their blankets pulled up all the way to their necks. Tastee looked at me, shrugged, and yelled at the inmates: "Y'all better TURTLE UP!" In other words, pull those blankets up to your necks, like a turtle!

Mabel kindly agreed to model for me to help you visual learners understand:

Above is an example of NOT turtling up. You can see from the photo that, while Mabel is resting her squishy little bod on a blanket, she has chosen not to pull the blanket up to her neck for maximum warmth. This is what the inmates were doing when Tastee yelled at them.

Now, here is a classic example of turtling up. You can see that Mabel has pulled the blanket up to her neck, a la the tortuga. She heard Tastee's call and turtled up.

For further explanation, I have provided you with this full frontal turtle image, complete with my artistic handiwork. You are welcome. 

Get it? So now, feel free to start using this terminology in everyday conversation. I have a feeling this is going to be Big. I believe this, of course, because my Internet research also told me that "Artists, entrepreneurs, inventors and scientists often get creative ideas from dreams. Jeff Taylor dreamed up monster.com, Jack Nicklaus had a dream of a new golf grip. And Nobel laureate and scientist Wolfgang Pauli called dreams his "secret laboratory."  This came from WebMD.com, one of my most trusted online resources. Soon, they will have to edit that post to say: "A dream was also the source of popular pop culture phrase 'turtle up.'"  

If you are curious, I also used an online dream analyzer to tell me what my dream meant. Apparently you just type in your dream, then DreamDictionary.com tells you what each individual word means. This is what the dictionary had to say about my dream:

Neck: Means sensuality, sensitivity, beauty or grace.

Prison: Punishment.

Turtle: Longevity, patience, persistence over time.

Cover: Limited view; you are feeling uninformed about events in the world.

Bed: Your inner thoughts.

Pulling: Desire.

I'm going to put this all together, ignore the bad things, and believe that my dream means that my beauty and grace will be long-lived and persistent over time. Seems about right!

Creative Gender Reveal Ideas

Have you ever noticed how there are a huge number of pins on Pinterest that look awesome when you scroll down the homepage - 20 great Christmas present ideas! 10 best easy baby shower ideas! 5 minute workout that makes you look like THIS (insert professional athlete body shot obviously stolen from cover of hardcore fitness magazine) - that are way less awesome when you actually click on them? Most of the time those "5 minute workout" pins lead you to some random person's MySpace page where they just post pictures of themselves in a sports bra. And Pinterest, just because you stick something in a jar with a ribbon around it, doesn't mean it's a great gift idea.

I was thinking about this about a month ago, when my dear friend and neighbor Leslie, who is with child, was getting ready to find out if my little future neighbor baby was a girl or a boy. Our exchange went a little something like this:
Me, thinking about the gender reveal parties I've seen professionally photographed and catered lately on Facebook and hoping I'd get the invite: mini-food buffet, don't mind if I do!: So, are you going to have a gender reveal party?

Leslie: No, I think we'll just ask the doctor to tell us what it is.

Me: Okay.

Me, in my head: I'm pretty sure she is asking me to find out what the baby is secretly, set up an awesome reveal, and then surprise her and her husband, "Big Max." I bet there are some seriously awesome Surprise Your Neighbor With the Gender of Their Unborn Child in These 5 Easy Steps pins on Pinterest. Pinterest has everything.

Me, out loud and very nonchalantly: Do you want me to find out, then set up an awesome surprise?

Me, in my head: What if...I bought a goldfish then dyed the water pink or blue depending on the gender, then just set the whole fishbown on Leslie's porch and let her or Big Max find it when they walk outside?  YES! Awesome plan! I can't wait till Leslie says yes! Play it cool...

Leslie: Oh, that's okay, I really think I'm too impatient to wait anyways! I'll just find out then send out a text saying what it is.

Me, devastated but continuing to think through my Great Goldfish Plan: I wonder if food coloring would kill a goldfish? Probably. Evanshine's sister is a vet. Maybe I should text her? That might be kind of depressing if, by the time Leslie found the fish bowl, the fish had already died. Also, I'm not sure leaving a fish bowl unattended on someone's porch is a good idea. Seems like one of our friendly neighborhood cats might snatch himself a little filet-o-fish as it walked by. An empty bowl of blue water could be a confusing and depressing way to find out you're having a boy...

Me, out loud: Yeah, okay. Sounds good. Probably for the best. Just let me know when you find out!

SCENE.

Keep in mind, dear readers, that though I was a creative writing major in college, I did not, surprisingly, take a playwriting class. I know you are probably shocked based on this script, but you'll probably be shocked by a number of things on this blog in the months and years to come, so get used to it. I also would like you to know that I googled "nonchalantly" and it is a word, according to thefreedictionary.com. I assume that a number of movie producers will soon be beating down my door and asking to buy my screenplay, and to them I say, contact my attorney. His name is Evanshine and he is a shark. He got me out of a speeding ticket not six months ago. We are married so I get a good billable rate.

So, after being gently let down by Leslie, I did a quick perusal of Pinterest to see if they had any ideas as awesome as the old fish in a bowl thing. In short, they did not. They had approximately three basic ideas for gender reveal: (1) put pink or blue balloons in a box and open it. Color me not impressed. Bill and Giuliana already did that in People magazine, so I believe it's too late for the rest of us. (2) Cake or cupcakes filled with pink or blue icing. Again, not impressed. That's how Josh and Anna Duggar found out the gender of their wee little babe on the Today show a few years ago. That's soo 2009. And, (3) Hold a string with paper letter spelling out B-O-Y or G-I-R-L across your baby bump. That is not a gender reveal idea; it's a photo op. Get it straight, Pinterest. Get some fish-in-a-bowl-of-dyed-water ideas, ASAP. Wouldn't you like to open your door to find this on your porch?

Meet Mabel, Jr.

Before someone throws animal blood all over my blog, I did not actually dye Mabel, Jr.'s water blue. I did some Internet research and learned that people get upset when you dye fish water blue, and that makes sense to me. So I just put him in a blue jar with blue rocks. You get the idea.

Now, readers, be a dear (dears) and pin this post to your Pinterest accounts with a caption like "Greatest and Most Creative Gender Reveal EVER!!! Pin now, use later!" immediately. I'm heading to Pinterest just as soon as I hit "Publish" here.

Oh, and by the way, Mabel, Sr. liked Mabel, Jr. a little too much.

So I took him to work with me where he will live happily ever after.